How Justin Bieber drove Dublin girls totally mad
According to scientific research, women are odd generally, but teenage girls in particular are peculiar to the point of derangement.
I speak in the wake of Bieber fever assailing Dublin.
Screaming girls stormed shops, trying to find the aforementioned Bieber, a singing teenager.
Thankfully Dunnes didn't become part of the war zone but a Starbucks den found itself invaded by young girls chanting 'Justin!' on account of this being the aforementioned Mr Bieber's first name.
Misled by a rumour on Twitter, the girls believed Justin was in Starbucks but it was just one of his entourage who appealed in vain for calm as glasses shattered in the high-pitched cacophony.
Eventually the gardai had to be wakened and soon they too were blundering around Grafton Street, trying to bring a sense of chaos to the situation.
In a frank and moving confession recently, I admitted I knew nothing of Comrade Bieber.
However, after a lengthy investigation, I can reveal the controversial Canadian used to play the trumpet and is now worth $71 million.
Yes, stick in at the trumpet, lads. But all parping aside, what is it with young girls and pop stars? Why can't they just sit at home with an improving book instead of going psychotic and lobbing their undergarments at crooning Biebers?