If aliens have any sense then they will never come to Earth
I was disappointed to read that only two UFOs had been spotted hovering over Northern Ireland in the past decade. What's wrong with the aliens? Are they scared?
It can't be that they've aesthetic reasons, as they've made Bonnybridge in Scotland their world headquarters. Put it this way, you'll never see the words 'Bonnybridge' and 'pretty holiday resort' together in the same sentence, apart from this one, obviously, or in subsequent letters of complaint from the town's military authorities.
The two incidents involved, in order of tentacles, a mysterious craft and a ball of light. The craft crashed into Benaughlin Mountain near Kinawley. Maybe they didn't have satnav. Not that advanced, eh?
There's no word about wreckage, so presumably the Ministry of Defence got there first and now keeps the mangled metal and severely concussed aliens in a warehouse deep in the Fermanagh countryside.
The ball of light was pretty uninspiring. It wibbled about the place and disappeared.
It was only seen by one man but he was a pilot which apparently gives the claim extra credibility, as if the rest of us were a bunch of untrustworthy drunks prone to hallucinations. What are you looking at me for?
Of course, there must have been more than two alien visitations. The respected organisation, UFO and Paranormal Research Ireland, said the MoD document barely scratched the surface of ooter space.
A report in the controversial Belfast Telegraph newspaper claims there've been 11 UFO sightings in Northern Ireland since 1997. But what do the aliens want?
Sometimes, I think they're taking the Michael.
They scoot about briefly, then disappear before anyone can get a proper picture. If we ever got a good picture, you'd see them at the windows of their craft, mooning at us.
Perhaps they're trying to tell us something important. To them, Earth might seem a smoking powderkeg, what with all the nukes and nutters like Kim Bim Bonkers of North Korea and President Gerald Ahmadinbad of Iran stravaiging about the place.
The aliens may be trying to tell us that, unless we get our act together, the Earth could go belly-up.
That, indeed, is the belief of a growing number of cranks in yonder America.
I say 'growing number' but the total stands at 10, who've taken to camper vans in the belief that the world will end on May 21. Fine. The FA Cup Final's a week earlier.
According to the Family Radio Ministry, a massive earthquake will shake the world apart and only believers in Jesus will be saved. Well, that sounds fair enough.
The rest of us will endure 153 days of "death and horror" - righty-oh - until everything ends, except for the pious, who ascend to heaven.
And they all live happily ever after. In straitjackets.
Although small in number, and indeed in brain cells, the Ministry is causing alarm in Americashire, as members flummox the lieges with their mathematical calculations.
To wit: May 21 will be 722,500 days since the Crucifixion and, obviously, 722,500 is 5 x 10 x 17 x 5 x 10 x 17 and, in the Bible, five signifies redemption, 10 completeness, and 17 heaven.
You do the maths. Hearing stuff like that, you realise why the aliens never bother taking their seat belts off.
Everybody knows that five means buttocks, 10 means out of, and 17 means talking.