I'm tempted to sell my house so that I can buy one of Apple's gadgets
I'm losing track of who's suing whom over what between Apple, Samsung, and all the other gadget godfathers of the world.
I don't know what to buy either. I feel I ought to buy something.
There's been so much hype that I'd be letting the future down if I stuck by my old-fashioned phone and laptop.
I confess I've been seduced by yon Apple. My phone is an iPhone 3GS.
I liked it so much I made my next laptop a Macbook. It was as much the enthusiasm at the Apple Shop in yonder Glasgow that sold me on the whole thing.
The shop was like a cathedral and the staff so spiritually in love with their product that it felt more like being adopted into a family than just coldly buying a gadget.
It's the buying that's the problem, though. Apple's prices are hideous.
That phone cost 500-odd quid so I've no plans to upgrade for a couple more years.
The new iPhone is about to be released. The talk is of 3D cameras and pin-chip things letting you use it to pay for your shopping.
Sounds impressive, but the unfailingly sceptical people who leave comments under newspaper articles say other phones already have these, and that Apple's just copying them.
Everyone's copying everyone else, though - given the specs - there's bound to be similarity. No one's going to produce a round phone, are they?
It's the iPad mini I'm really looking forward to. I've always wanted an iPad, and I don't know why.
Certainly, I can't justify the expense. But if they bring down the price for a smaller model, I might sell my house and get one.
To confuse matters further, I also want a Kindle. I'm sick of physical books.
I'm getting ready to move house again and the thought of boxing up 3,000 of the critturs is deeply depressing - and damned hard work (removals men curse you for it).
However, the Kindle looks like a crock to me. After working with Apple's sexy gizmos, this grey lump resembling something that fell off a First World War tank really doesn't do it for me.
But, hey, they say the whole point is you forget what you're holding and just get into the book.
Besides, I want to join the revolution and I'm sick of physical books from Amazon taking weeks to arrive. I want them now!
So there's a new Kindle coming out and a new iPad, and I don't know what to do. But I know what I will do: nothing.
First, I'll wait for other schmucks to bound forward and discover all the things wrong with the new models.
Weeks, perhaps even months, will pass while these teething problems are ironed out.
I'm not buying anything till I've read well matured reviews, by which time talk will have started about the next version, due out in just a few months, which will be so much better and so much worth waiting for.
And so I'll remain in stasis, stuck in a limbo between the last model and the next one. And d'you know what? It'll probably not be that bad.
I don't want to take photos with my laptop anyway. Besides, if I buy all this stuff, I can swipe my phone till the cows come home... but I won't have any money left to pay for my shopping.