Belfast Telegraph

Irish men are not so ugly, sunshine

By Robert McNeill

Few people were surprised to read that men from the island of Ireland are considered the ugliest in the world.

You can bung my fellow Scots in there, too.

I'd noticed this plug-ugly thing some time ago, and having it confirmed by beautifulpeople.com - an elite dating club - was almost a source of comfort.

Now, at least, we can acknowledge the problem and do something about it.

The first thing we must change is the weather. So many Celtic males start off as handsome enough wee boys, but the rain and icy breezes twist and mangle their faces till they resemble something from Lord of the Rings. We start life as elves and end up as orcs.

Our diet doesn't help. It's a comfort diet, designed to cheer and warm us against the bitter cold.

But it makes us sallow and chubby, clogging up our whatnots and giving us a sluggish mien. You say: "Other countries have bad weather and poor diets, and their folk aren't ugly like us."

Correct up to a point, madam. But Scandinavian or central European cold is different from ours. It's less damp and miserable. It's dry and clean.

And their pies contain less sludge. In the meantime, we must accept our lot, and put our trust in global warming.

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