Let's discuss Justin Bieber's underpants. Earlier this week, he landed at Heathrow Airport - by aeroplane, I should add - prompting a reaction that one newspaper compared to "the second coming of Christ".
Yup, people asked who he was and told him to get a haircut.
Justin, a Canadian pop singer or actor, was greeted by female fans known as Beliebers. I see. Now, as a busy man of the world, I cannot spend time discussing Comrade Bieber's pink shoes. But his underpants merit attention from objective analysts.
Why? Because his trooser waistband was so low that almost all of his pantulationary arrangements were on display.
Call me old-fashioned, but to me a man's underpants are a matter between him and his god or wife, whichever shouts the loudest.
Bieber's breeks were below the buttocks and, if I might speak scientifically, he looked a proper pillock.
Fashions come and go, changing generation after generation, but choosing to lower the trousers - a practice started in American male prisons, signalling availability of the buttocks for recreational purposes - is simply laughable.
Other pictures showed Justin having mascara applied to his eyelobes.
Fair enough. Few men leave home nowadays without wearing eyeliner and lippie.
But pull up your trousers, son. Apart from anything else, your pants looked a bit Asda.