Belfast Telegraph

Monday 20 October 2014

Kerry and Jasmine really should have a twitter of wit

Scary gals Kerry Katona and Jasmine Lennard have been having a right good go at each other online.

In happier days, when a warm, pleasant smog blanketed the world and kept us all safe, I’d be reporting from a garden fete about a minor, cake-based disagreement involving Harold Macmillan and Sir Alec Douglas-Home. Today, it’s a spittle-flecked spat on Twitter between a former pop singer and a Celebrity Big Brother star.

Progress, eh? What are the two gals fighting about? Good question. Here’s my answer: I don’t know. However, they have it in for each other, and have unleashed the words of war. Kerry is a fellow columnist, who writes for influential newspaper of record OK! — where she claimed Jasmine needed “psychological help”. Jasmine twittered back that Kerry should use contraception, stop snorting cocaine and lose weight. Sounds like a plan. She added: “I think your [sic] vile.”

Well! Kerry responded that Jasmine was “mentally unstable”, adding: “A few centuries ago she’d have been burnt at the stake.” Ah, the stake: good times. Jasmine claimed Kerry didn’t even write her own column.

Yes, my guess is that it’s written by either Tom Stoppard or John Pilger. This column, as many of you have guessed, is ghost-written by Lady Gaga.

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