Belfast Telegraph

Let me come clean, I’d sweep the litter louts off to jail

By Robert McNeil

Who the hell drops litter? I want their names and the loan of an instrument of torture with which to continue proceedings.

People who drop litter are from the same mould as motorists who don’t signal. They’re anti-human. They’re agin the rest of us.

You can’t give me one good reason why such people should not be imprisoned indefinitely. You say: “But you want everybody imprisoned indefinitely.” In an ideal world, madam, yes. But surely we can at least start with them, the litter-droppers.

Perhaps they were mollycoddled as children and still expect others — the rest of us acting as surrogate parents — to pick up after them. A study shows Northern Ireland’s streets are dirtier than at any time in the last four years.

Environment Minister Alex Attwood proposes heavier fines, which I back, though I would prefer unspecified periods of imprisonment.

If you feel that’s too harsh for litter louts, then how about the sculpting of a comical six-pack onto their bodies, as happened to — excuse me while I check my files — Darryn Lyons, a fellow living in yonder Big Brother House?

I don’t know what he did to deserve such an abdominal abomination — incur Kerry Katona’s admiration perhaps — but he’s suffering now and can never be seen naked in public again.

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