I wish to talk to you today about moobs. As I intend taking a typically scientific approach, first I shall define my terms. Moobs are male breasts, the word itself being a contraction of man boobs. Here's the rub: men aren't meant to have these.
Biology dictates that women have pendulous appendages in the chest area, these producing milk for feeding babies.
Men - slaves to biology as much as women are - find big boobulations attractive as these stand a better chance of rearing fine, upstanding children who will grow to inherit the mantle of family, tribal or even clan leader.
This is how far evolution has got us. Even top professors find themselves attracted to big busts, as these citizens, for all their fine qualifications, are just animals underneath.
Indeed, if it weren't for having television, there wouldn't be much to differentiate humans from animals at all. From the above biological outline, it's clear that men do not require titular pendulations, as they don't feed children, other than with pies at football games when they're old enough for such rigours.
A boob on a man is a badge of shame and yet, according to the last census, the number of middle-aged men in Britainshire without moobs came to three. And these were suspected of wearing constricting vests.
Even world leaders have been fingered for boobs: Tony Blair, Bill Clinton, Dave Cameron, Vlad Putin, all named and shamed in their time. In this week's influential papers, it was the turn of leading statesman Simon Cowell to be pilloried for unwittingly displaying a fine set of unmanly accoutrements.
Simon(52), who also suffers from an oddly-shaped head, was pictured walking around Cardiff. Nothing wrong with that. A fine place to walk around. But not in a tight sweater. Not at his age. As one London newspaper conscientiously reported: "Cowell's nipples could clearly be seen through the grey garment." Yes, it was as serious as that.
The only people happy with the coverage were the Iranians, delighted that once more their plans for world domination had been swept off the news pages by the latest crisis under Simon Cowell's pullover.
Cowell is smug, arrogant and cruel, making him popular with women. However, even they - according to my sources - would prefer something Beckhamesque, ie a flat-chested man.
That lets me out an' all. It's funny. At the gym, you see young male persons whose skinny torsos are two or three inches back from their chins. Older men's chests stick out, like an old-fashioned sergeant major's. These were the male role models we had. Not clothes horses.
Mirrors don't help. I don't have moobs in my house mirrors. They only appear when I go to the gym. How does that work? Another sadistic trick from Jehovah the Merciless? Do they make mirrors worse at the gym to make you try harder?
Well, they only make me want to give up. The western world is undergoing a moobular crisis. You can search 18th and 19th century literature, and never find one mention of the phenomenon.
There is no mention of ancient Greek or Roman men suffering thus.
As the 21st century progresses, it becomes increasingly clear that the fate of men is to be the butt of ridicule, as their role becomes redundant and their globes become an albatross around their necks.