Fearlessly, this column campaigns for Rihanna to have a surname. Rihanna, a singer (I just Googled her), gets to the bit on application forms where it says 'surname', and sadly turns away, a solitary tear rolling down her cheek. She is, like her form, incomplete.
However, there's nothing to stop her acquiring the surname of her choice: Rihanna Gruntinglobe; Rihanna de Tergent; Rihanna Gob-Rickets.
I was happy with the campaign's progress when urgent news was brought on a tray by one of the Bel Tel's maids: Lindsay Lohan has ditched her surname too, the mad fool.
Lohan was a great name. The only reason I'd noticed the leading trumpet player (remind me before the end of this article to check that on Google) was because of her surname.
In Buddhism, a Lohan is an 'enlightened one', pictured in ancient manuscripts with a light bulb above their head.
Lindsay wants to disassociate herself from her father, Jeremiah Lohan, currently seeking help with anger management on TV show Dr Drew's Celebrity Rehab.
I'll just read that sentence back again. I see. Sometimes I think I live a sheltered life. Still, I didn't get where I am today by not having a surname and I intend keeping it till this syphilis finally claims me (damn you, Angelina Jolie).