It's all gone black. I don't mean I've been blindfolded (reader's voice: "more's the pity"). I mean everywhere I look, it's just black, black, black.
I should qualify that statement. By "everywhere", I mean pictures of celebrities. Not quite the same thing, though they are our whole world and everything to which we aspire.
Exhibit A: Mr Tom Cruise. His all-black ensemble of habiliments was said to look "flattering". To be precise, it consisted of a jerkin, cardigan, T-shirt, trousers and shoes, all in black.
But, the same day, Kat Von D – no, I've no idea either – was criticised for wearing an "unflattering" black catsuit.
This was in the same celebrity-obsessed paper, which I only read for research purposes, you understand.
Also in all black were: Victoria Beckham, wife of Derek; Osbert Osbourne, lead singer of Black Sabbath (so at least he had some excuse); and Kim Kardashian who, as the whole world knows, has massive globes and is up the duff.
But whence all this noir? It's nearly summer. The sun, while it hasn't quite yet got its hat on, is at least making flitting appearances.
Hear me, fashionable citizens and celebrities: lighten up, for all our sakes. The way things are, it looks like the whole world's been to a funeral.