Quite unaccountably, this column has developed a fascination with women's heids. It started with the eyebrows, and the revelation that women mucked about with theirs, sometimes having them trimmed and shaped by white-coated scientists in busy shopping malls. Fascinating.
Last week, we discussed smoky eye, a sultry effect favoured by top model Kate Moss and achieved by the strategic massaging of coal dust into the ocular area.
Then there are the lips, which can be puckered up by fiendish trickery, most of it legal. The earlobes, too, rarely remain unmolested, though these tend to be viewed as mere hangers for peculiar items of ornamentation.
You'd think by now I'd be inured to any more shocks, but my chair and I nearly parted ways when I read about the actress Sienna Miller shoving tomato ketchup on her heid every day for a year. There was, you'll be glad to hear, a reason for this. A bottle of hair dye, deployed to turn her blonde hair brown, made it go green instead. I see. It wouldn't come oot either, and ketchup was the only thing that disguised the emerald effect. Well, fair enough, I suppose. However, official government advice remains the same. To wit: "Condiments are best spattered on your fodder and not on your bonce."