Simon Cowell's berry strange lifestyle
Disturbing news reaches us from HMS Peculiar Head, the £50m loveboat owned by manipulative media mogul Simon Cwell.
Though he's having a bairn with Lauren Silverman, Mrs Silverman's wee lassie, his sea-slicing vessel carries a cargo of comely wenches.
According to arguably trustworthy reports, the Cowlster plays them off against each other, alternating indulging then blanking them.
Consequently, the sordid sloop is said to be "a claustrophobic cauldron riven with rivalry".
Then there are his unpredictable moods. He books tables in restaurants ashore then doesn't turn up himself.
However, it isn't all fun. One "source" told the world: "He isn't really on holiday. He is working all the time – running his empire." Yes, like Nero.
"He will be watching episodes of X Factor on the plasma TV at 4am. Sometimes he will have the girls sprawled on the bed with him."
It's work, Jim. But not as we know it.
Most disturbing of all is the rhomboid-headed svengali's addiction ... to blueberries.
He leaves bowls of the controversial fruit all over the boat, that he may nibble thereon, yea, even unto the smearing of his face.
The loopy idea is that the vitamin-packed berries will offset his chain-smoking. Hmm, not sure it works like that.
But, then, Simon doesn't work like the rest of us.