Strictly speaking, fish diet doesn't help me dance
Congratulations to Louis Smith for winning the final of television's Strictly Come Dancing show.
I am sure he is a worthy winner, with his feet shimmying hither and yon adeptly. However, I have not gathered you here today to talk about feet, dancing or otherwise. We are here to talk about fish.
Mr Smith attributed his historic victory to the controversial species, having changed his diet in the two weeks before the final.
Addressing a packed meeting of government ministers and senior clergy, he outlined his regime thus: "No carbs in the evening - only white meat or fish - and only cous cous of fish in the afternoon with porridge and fruit in the morning."
There is a fundamental flaw in this argument: that diet is similar to mine - and yet I cannot dance. Mr Smith added that he had been teetotal for two weeks.
Well, I've been teetotal for 17 months, and still the feet won't shimmy.
There must be more to it than this surely? It's not even as if Louis is dedicated to the diet.
He came off it at Christmas, cheerfully tucking into sausage rolls and mulled wine. Yet even on Christmas Day, when I stuck to fish and fruit, he could out-dance me.
Life really is so unfair sometimes.