Belfast Telegraph

Wednesday 22 October 2014

There's fat chance of me dating Angelina

Angelina Jolie

What has happened to Angelina Jolie's shoulders?

According to urgent Press reports, they are sticking out in a strange way.

There's a reason for this: she ain't getting her vittles.

According to well-placed fictional sources on a fashion mag: "Angelina has been known to start her day with little more than a spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal."

Friends say it is now six years and two months since Angie had a sausage.

She is said to know nothing about pies and, the one time she was faced with one, tried to consume it with chopsticks.

Would I say no? Well, yes.

Lips like these could suck your face off.

And we just wouldn't have that much in common.

My conversation is mainly about prog rock bands of the 1970s.

I always have food stains down the front of my fleece.

I watch Star Trek for nights on end.

Me and she just wouldn't work.

She'd be wandering aboot the hoose seductively in her pants, while I was completely focused on bacon and sausages sizzling on the grill.

Mind you, maybe she'd get a whiff of that and start to salivate. Next thing, she's eating like a normal person.

Come to me, Angie. I'll save you.

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