There's no need to tear your hair out over rising impotence survey
Bald. Fat. Impotent. Shock new figures paint a damning picture of modern man. His head: hairless. His gut: overflowing. His marital apparatus: malfunctioning.
The evidence comes from a top or thereabouts online pharmacy, which says men's products now account for 25% of its entire sales of more than £15m a year.
Yesterday, Prime Minister Derek Cameron said: "My Government and I are giving this matter full priority. Police raids can be expected shortly."
Admittedly, that was in connection with another story entirely, but experts believe it is only a matter of time before top level action is taken to stem the tide of baldness, bloatedness and useless thingies.
The worst thing about the new figures from leading academics Chemist Direct was that, increasingly, men were not buying treatments for just one of these disorders: they were buying for all three.
The products under advisement included Byebaldie hair loss foam, BloatBurn slimming tablets, and Bigbido, a male sexuality inflater. The products have caused cultural problems internationally.
In particular, Italy ran into problems with the EU after adding Bigbido to the public water supply. Hairless government minister William Hague is believed to be considering similar measures with Byebaldie on an experimental basis in several rural areas.
However, Chemist Direct's analysis reveals the highest demand for all three products was in London, leading many church figures to question whether the three diseases were a form of moral retribution.
Last year, a survey found that the South East was the "impotence capital of England", probably because it doesn't produce anything and is entirely subsidised by Scottish oil, whisky, fish, shipbuilding and engineering.
Blame for the deteriorating position of men has been put on the recession. Experts say it causes stress, exacerbated by long hours and lack of exercise. The recession doesn't affect women, as they are better generally. But recession-induced stress leads weaker men to pull their hair out in irrational moments of worry.
All this is, of course, poppycock. While baldness is rife, due to hormonal imbalances caused by immoral thoughts, is it really true that fatness is so widespread and that impotence has, as it were, risen?
Every day, the papers shriek of surveys suggesting that men over 40 are still indulging in sexual excesses regularly. Anecdotally, I've never heard any of my mates talk about impotence, even when drunk and weeping. I don't have it, and all my thoughts are pure.
As for fatness, you do see bloaters waddling around the high street and other public places, but it would be absurd to suggest that this is the norm.
What is happening here is that the poor unfortunates suffering from these conditions are now able to order pathetic "cures" online, instead of having to waddle into a shop and saying: "Excuse me, madam, do you have anything for my nether regions?"
In the past, the best thing a bald person could do was to buy a hat and go and live on an island. Now, the internet offers potions.
Fat people, too, can send off for slimming tablets, often in tasty chocolate flavours. Failing that, they can just send off for chocolate.
What we are seeing here is not an explosion of baldness, fatness and impotence. It is an upsurge of hope, made possible by the wonders of internet shopping. To which I can only add: ker-ching!