Belfast Telegraph

They always lose by a whisker

By Robert McNeill

If there's anything worse than being bald it's having a moustache. Most bald people have no choice, as the disease took hold of the male population in the 1990s, following the accidental dumping of hormone-mangling chemicals into the water supply.

But a moustache is a matter of choice, much like wearing shorts. I need hardly add that if you're bald, have a moustache, wear shorts, and drive a bicycle, then you've really gone too far. That said, my heart goes out to Marc Grey (13), of Northumberland, Englandshire, expelled from his school for a moustache that he cannot help.

Marc has a skin condition that prevents him shaving and, while cynics sense a malarkey, one must apply the principle of innocence until proven guilty of wilfully growing a moustache.

If the world is to be saved from facial anarchy, the rule remains the same: it's a full beard or nothing.

You say: "Hey big nose, we live in a free society. You can't tell people what to put on their phizogs."

A good point well made, madam. But with freedom comes responsibility.

You would not allow your daughter to date a man with a moustache. So it's sheer hypocrisy to say such people should be left alone to get on with their lives.

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