I've only one rule in life – never interfere in another man's toilet.
It has served me well over the years, resulting in a blemish-free criminal record and a face that has largely gone unpunched.
When I say toilet, I mean loo too. I don't mean a man's toilette, as in make-up and whatnot.
I'm getting a little bit out of my depth here, so let's plumb the lavatory further with news that there's now a toilet that you can control with a smartphone app.
The Satis loo costs nearly four grand and includes automatic flushing, bidet spray, music and fragrance release.
The trouble is anyone with the app can activate any of the toilets, setting off their bidets willy-nilly.
A security expert said: "It's easy to see how a practical joker might be able to trick his neighbour into thinking his toilet is possessed."
How awful to fear life's one true sanctuary has been infiltrated by fiends.