Belfast Telegraph

Wayne just doesn't have a baldy ...

By Robert McNeill

Uproar has roared upwards following a hair transplant committed on the head of Manchester footballer Sir Wayne Rooney. Sir Wayne was diagnosed with baldness two years ago and has understandably felt ashamed, given the disease's associations with syphilis.

However, the controversial star earns pots of money for playing footer in our fair society and so could afford the best follicular treatment. But his bonce still doesn't look right.

Following Manchester's first league game last weekend, leading intellectuals on Match of Yonder Day said it made him look younger. But a top article in the Daily Mail claimed it aged him and an editorial called for him to be hanged along with rioters, Scottish people, immigrants, the BBC and so forth.

Demands have also been made for London's Parliament to be recalled, for the annual farce in which the ignorant mob tries to spoil politicians' holidays.

Rooney himself seemed unfazed by the furore. Yesterday, speaking through an interpreter, he said: "I'm eating chips at the moment but will get back to you in the fullness of time - all other things being equal."

In parts of Japan, even today, bald people are expected to commit hara-kiri so as not to bring shame on their clan. In the Galapagos Islands, they are made to live in trees.

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