Belfast Telegraph

Wayne Rooney is losing it

By Robert McNeil

By the time you’ve read this sentence, another 30,000 men in Belfast alone will have gone bald.

The virulent spreading of the disease across northern Europe has led to outbreaks of rioting in many rural areas.

Last night, the Cuts Coalition in Londonshire issued a statement calling for calm and advising citizens to keep their windows closed.

The disease is thought to have been spread by a virus on salads from Germany. However, civil unrest looked set to continue after footer star Wayne Rooney tweeted that he’d had a hair implant.

Critics said it was another example of the rich being able to afford treatment denied to shaven-headed proletarians.

Rooney’s hair was falling out at the rate of two follicles a second.

Scientists believe each falling follicle takes with it a little piece of brain, though it was not thought this would affect Rooney’s football career.

At 25, Wayne feared he was already starting to look like an old man.

Ballymena-born actor James Nesbitt, formerly 72 but now 46, also took action against the cruel disease.

Previously, he’d reported that his mouth kept flapping open on set while, at the gym, he’d stay on the treadmill for two hours at a time, as a result of the bovine mindset that often accompanies baldness.

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