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We need someone to keep these superheroes safe on our streets

By Robert McNeill

Published 29/04/2011

Another sign of the times: Ninja Watch is replacing Neighbourhood Watch.

The Bel Tel has already probed the phenomenon of masked superheroes coming forward to protect various cities in mainland Britainshire.

Alas, these boobies have prompted naught but titters, notably The Statesman in Birmingham, whose portly physique saw him dubbed The Phan-tum and, more regrettably, Pie-derman.

Neither did it help that, rather than flying through the air like a speeding bullet, he pootered to crime-scenes in a Fiat Punto.

However, that hasn't stopped copycat heroes springing up. The latest is a black-clad lad who has created Ninja Watch and patrols the mean streets of Tunbridge Wells, Englandshire.

So far, he has escorted several old ladies across the road. However, one fears it's only a matter of time before he's poked in the eye by an unimpressed lout or, worse, vomited on by a ne'er-do-well.

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