Belfast Telegraph

We'd give muggers the cold shoulder

By Robert McNeill

You and I are proudly uptight and, were a stranger to hug us in the street, we'd rain fists, feet and handbags upon their brazen heads. The Swedes have no such luck, being ever open to a hug. It has been their undoing.

In central Stockholm, thieves have been hugging the citizenry, sometimes even lifting them off the ground, while accomplices pick their pockets. "Even men have fallen victim," wailed top Swedish policeman Humphrey Pornfondler. However, cruelly enough, the victims are usually young girls, often left inconsolable after the loss of their iPhones.

Females find life confusing enough at the best of times, but teenage girls stoat around in a fog of perpetual perplexity, and many believe the loss of their smartphone means that they are pregnant.

Police are now offering such victims counselling and have warned Stockholmers to be wary of tactile strangers, a warning already encoded in the DNA of Celtic people.

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