Belfast Telegraph

Wednesday 27 August 2014

Whiff of scandal around Cheryl ...

Cheryl news, and the personality-style singer has issued a statement claiming she is not the one breaking wind.

Mrs Cole (28) was forced to issue the clarification after being blamed repeatedly for trumps that erupted on tour, particularly on aeroplanes, the form of transport well known for conveying noxious personal gases from the guilty to the innocent.

Cheryl says that everyone blames her because, like footer manager Jose Mourinho, she is the special one and therefore liable to believe that she can let her bottom blow raspberries willy-nilly.

But she deplores the practice and has called on scientists to invent a spray that identifies the culprits.

Cheryl told a packed meeting of the Haltwhistle Women's Institute: "I always look around and try to work out who it was, and I see the eyes staring back at me." Eyes, that would be right.

She continued: "I know they're thinking, 'Cheryl Cole thinks it's OK to fart on a plane as she's special,' and it's so not true." Not indeed.

The former Metallica vocalist received a standing ovation when she concluded tearfully: "There should be a sort of aerosol that can be sprayed into the air, and it would find the guilty person." Good call.

That said, I still think it was her.

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