Belfast Telegraph

Why Cheryl's life is not music to my ears

By Robert McNeill

What has happened to Cheryl? I speak of La Cole of that ilk.

I see headlines about her and think of the accompanying picture: "Now, there's a bonny lass." But that's about it. I'm far too busy to read about her life, but I can see the headlines feature an endless list of people the Geordie-style personality is having a go at.

Cowell, obviously, because of his peculiarly shaped head. We all hate him. But she's also ululating accusations against other judges on that show she was on - Big Brother's Got Talent On Ice or whatever - and her former partner, Lloyd Cole, him out of the Commotions.

I have gathered that she has cut, as they say, an album, though I can't imagine I'll be buying that, unless she's been converted to prog-rock and sings songs about elves at the bottom of her garden, with the second side of the vinyl featuring a 20-minute organ solo.

Personally, I think she needs to settle down and get a proper job. Imagine her on the checkout at the supermarket. She could say: "Are you collecting the vouchers?" And you could say: "Naw, but I'd like to collect a snog from you."

At least it would give these terminally bored security guards something to do.

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