Why I'm all at sea over Gaga
The Gagster is back. At the iTunes Festival in Londonshire, Lady G performed seven numbers from her forthcoming album – a kazoo-based homage to Marks & Spencer – and, by all accounts, wowed those present.
Although unfamiliar with her music, I'm happy to hail her as the supreme megastar of our time, knocking yon Madonnie off her perch.
After recovering from a leg injury incurred playing five-a-side football, Lady Gaga expressed delight at performing in public again and had requested her audience to wear seashells, sea horses and starfish.
Lest you think she was taking the piscine, it's all a part of a vaguely marine obsession and follows her controversial visit last week to a London fish and chip shop – dressed as a mermaid.
That shock move was welcomed by those disturbed by her previous habit of wearing frocks made of meat.
She rationalised such behaviour this week with the following explanation: "I love it when things stink."
Pong my soul! At the iTunes gig, Gaga got proceedings under way by waving a kitchen knife about. It had the word 'Hollywood' written on it. I see.
The audience then gawped in delight as she grabbed her private parts and sang about pigs inside human bodies.
It's all good. It's all vital. It's all a complete mystery to me.