Belfast Telegraph

Why Iran’s long hair fatwa is just shear madness

By Robert McNeil

Leading nutters in the Undemocratic Republic of Iranshire are now telling the lieges there that some of them have got heretical haircuts and will have to have something chopped off if they don't do something about it.

And when I say “something”, I'm not necessarily referring to their follicles.

The country's top interferers will shortly issue an illustrated list of approved barnets for the masses, with long hair and ponytails most definitely not included.

Even more disturbingly, officials at the sinister Department of Meddling have allowed citizens in the arid desert country to dab their quiffs with gel.

No kidding, a mate of mine believes the epidemic of baldness which has swept across western Europe in recent years is caused by gels.

Another mate believes it's caused by wearing hats, especially baseball caps. All right, I don't keep very sophisticated company.

But, really, encouraging citizens to plaster goo on their nappers seems to me tantamount to insanity.

Worse still, and proof that the country's officials have taken leave of their senses, beards will no longer be compulsory for those wishing to be seen as politically and religiously correct.

The beard betokens gravitas and sophistication. All right, in my case, it's just to cover up the buttock-shaped dimple on my chin. But, generally speaking, the beard symbolises someone you can trust. Put it this way: the vast majority of crime is committed by clean-shaven people. I rest my case.

The new illustrated portfolio of recommended hairdos is to be released later this month at a “Modesty and Veil Festival”, which sounds like a barrel of laughs. Somehow, I don't think anyone will be dancing down the front.

In some ways, you have to admire the pluck of the Iranians in trying to take a stand against decadent human behaviour.

Heaven knows what they'd make of Belfast on a Saturday night. I bet they wouldn't even buy a round. And when they saw the gals in the short skirts they'd have to be sedated. I know I have to be.

Summer in particular is a tense time in Iranshire because the influence of western dress on young people, combined with hot temperatures, encourages some citizens to slide back their hoods or hitch up their trousers, exposing sensuous sections of shin.

This summer, for the first time, morality police have been equipped with cameras to film “immodestly-attired” women. Rather than put it on YouTube, like any normal person, they produce the footage as irrefutable evidence in court, when women are charged with grievous bodily exposure.

Lifestyle scrutiny has even been extended to owning mutts, now the subject of a fatwa or nutty diktat. “Friendship with dogs is a blind imitation of the West,” spluttered Grand Ayatollah Naser Makerem Shirazi. “There are lots of people in the West who love their dogs more than their wives and children.” And your point, Big Ayatollah?

I think that, once Britainshire has brought peace to Afghanistan — say, by September — it should invade Iran and put a stop to this nonsense.

Let them sink pints, pamper mutts, and wear skirts up to their armpits. Let them see the benefits of civilisation and freedom, and never dare tell any man again what to do with his quiff.

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