Belfast Telegraph

Sunday 21 September 2014

Will Russell tell the Dalai Lama the bare facts of life?

The triple winner of the Shagger of the Year awards is hosting yon Dalai Lama this weekend.

Would you excuse me a moment? Even I have to read that sentence again. And, with some help from a team of consultants, I wrote it.

The S of the Y is Russell Brand, actor and comedian or vice-versa, who does yoga and thinks deeps thoughts. Or unthinks them since in Buddhology you must clear your mind of thought.

There, just did it. Now for the rest of the article. I think I read in the Sun that the Dalai will waffle engagingly to young persons about a new "century of dialogue and peace". In your dreams, baldie.

You've got to wonder if the Dalai knows who Russell is. He'll probably get a press briefing from one of his aides: "Comrade Brand is a bearded person with a worldwide reputation for putting it about, Your Dalainess."

I expect the Dalai will take Russell aside for a quiet chat, in which he asks, like Monty Python's blazered virgin: "What's it like, then? You know, doing it?"

Or maybe they'll talk about something more meaningful. Like how Russell's trousers stay up when his belts are slung so low. Russell: "Well, actually, Your Baldness, they don't stay up very much."

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