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Robert McNeill

Victoria Beckham

Having a laugh, are you, Posh?

I gotta tell you this: I'm not photogenic. All right, good call, I look like a muppet anyway. But it's not just the way you look. It's your expression. Because I dislike having my picture taken, fear and loathing of the event is usually evident in my eyelobes.

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Inside Robert McNeill

Why bringing up our kids should be child's play... or maybe it's not

Friday, 25 May 2012

Nurse, the screens! Yup, top experts have issued new warnings about kiddies watching nothing but tellies and computers, while real life flits by unnoticed outside.
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Immortality has a mind of its own

Friday, 25 May 2012

Now, who'd like their brain put into a machine? Hmm, no takers? Fair enough. But I don't mean a washing machine or something that mangles your heid.
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Just what we all needed... the Dalai Lama coming to read the riot act

Friday, 18 May 2012

His Buddhisticular Holiness has spoken. Yea, and indeed lo, yonder Dalai Lama has been shooting his mouth off again, this time about last summer's riots in Englandshire.
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Sienna's looking so saucy

Friday, 18 May 2012

Quite unaccountably, this column has developed a fascination with women's heids. It started with the eyebrows, and the revelation that women mucked about with theirs, sometimes having them trimmed and shaped by white-coated scientists in busy shopping malls. Fascinating.
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Here's an idea that could take root

Friday, 18 May 2012

I'm right up for this vertical garden in east Belfast.
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What? A make-up so cool it smokes

Friday, 11 May 2012

Do you have a smoky eye? I was discombobulated when flicking through my copy of InStyle UK magazine - that's a joke, by the way; I don't flick through it, I read it carefully - and came across Kate Moss giving tips on how to achieve the, er, ocular phenomenon.
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So that's why their pupils were glazed in Play School

Friday, 11 May 2012

Odd period, the 1970s. I've tended to deride them as grim, which they certainly were, but I appreciate now the music and, er, that's about it. They weren't particularly happy years in Northern Ireland.
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Easy on the greens or we could all be gone with the wind

Friday, 11 May 2012

Breaking wind news, and it emerged this week that dinosaurs created climate change when their bottoms blew raspberries.
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Wonder if Camilla will tell Charles to stuff his cushions

Friday, 4 May 2012

Disturbing news from the House of Windsor, whence it is reported that leading role model Prince Charles has been turning bathroom curtains into cushions.
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ET would have to be real spacer to visit us

Friday, 4 May 2012

Most nights, before retiring to bed, I nip out to the backgarden and look up to see what's happening in ooter space. Usually, there isn't much: some twinkling; perchance a cloud scudding across the Moon; a satellite might fly over, never deviating from its linear path and, alas, never turning out to be a UFO.
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Shut Stormont and let MLAs ring each other

Friday, 4 May 2012

Oh, as it were, no. Now they're allowing MLAs to tweet during debates at Stormont. As if they weren't paying enough attention already.
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Justin's style is a load of pants

Friday, 27 April 2012

Let's discuss Justin Bieber's underpants. Earlier this week, he landed at Heathrow Airport - by aeroplane, I should add - prompting a reaction that one newspaper compared to "the second coming of Christ".
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Who wants to live forever if it means giving up our chip butties?

Friday, 27 April 2012

Life, eh? On it goes. Never a day off. And then it ends, sometimes sooner rather than later. New, unofficial life expectancy figures are just out - read all about it! - for the various parts of the UK, or England and the Other Bits.
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Don't be embarrassed girls, even I wobble a bit when I'm on treadmill

Friday, 27 April 2012

Fear of embarrassment is stopping ladies from going to the gym, according to a survey by mental health charity Mind.
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How my dream encounter with Kim turned into worst nightmare

Friday, 20 April 2012

Fear. Yes, it's just a little, four-lettered f-word. But it gets on my flipping wick. Pull up a chair, pour yourself a glass of milk, and I'll tell you why.
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Now Gaga proves that women are from Venus

Friday, 20 April 2012

Gaga news, and Lady of that ilk has hired a herd of astrologers to make sure her stars are aligned before her forthcoming tour.
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I will not brow down to this hair pressure

Friday, 20 April 2012

When did people start mucking about with their eyebrows? And when I say "people" I'm not referring to men.
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Show snub wasn't a lost opportunity

Friday, 13 April 2012

I've a vinyl LP by The Jam somewhere. Always preferred them to Marmalade, despite the latter's decent version of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da Etc.
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Thin men will just end up starved of love

Friday, 13 April 2012

I can't see me suffering from manorexia, not while one pie remains unconsumed. But, increasingly, the eating disorder affects young males.
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Why I'd like all Trekkers to live long and prosper

Friday, 13 April 2012

I've much in common with President Obama out of the United States of America. We're both powerful men. He stravaigs about the world straightening out dictators and whatnot, while I work much more quietly behind the scenes, providing a moral compass for the desperate.
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