I have urgent health news for you today: don't get drunk on Crunk but do eat up all your black raspberries. You've turned to your neighbour and are saying in regard to the writer who lies before you: "You keep him talking, I'll get hold of a nurse."
It's an understandable attitude. Yet I'm merely reporting developments in the controversial real world.
First, to Crunk. It's a new, super-strong alcoholic energy drink which police say is causing mayhem on the city streets late at night, when good people are all tucked up in bed but sozzled citizens stagger round the streets looking for discotheques and other dens of shame.
Crunk - slang for 'crazy drunk' - comes in one-pint cans and contains 12% malt liquor. It's got other goodies in it too, and necking one can is the equivalent of downing a pint of wine mixed with Red Bull. Well, that would get me singing, all right. Shortly before I was arrested.
A spokesman for the company that imports the drink from Americashire says: "It is not meant for necking. You will always get idiots who go too far." Seeking to clarify matters later, it emerged that when he said 'idiots' he meant people generally.
Meanwhile, as crowds of concerned citizens congregated in village squares, Inspector Phil Bates of Hants Police stood up in a tank and announced: "We are suddenly dealing with assaults and incidents where either the victim or the offender has drunk Crunk."
This is grim news indeed.
It just goes to show that while the papers are full of top experts - some of them from the Government, and that's pretty top - warning us that booze consumption is getting out of hand, the capitalists who hate us all are ever devising new ways to get us out of our crania.
It's like when you go into hospital and find they're serving bizarrely unhealthy food. It's a hospital, for God's sake!
Are they trying to kill us or what? Don't they know anything about health?
People proselytising for black raspberries claim to know something about health.
You're probably familiar with the mantra that berries are good for you. They contain anthocyanins, which are notably absent in sausages, and have proven to be a health boon - for rodents in laboratories.
To be fair, it's pretty clear that berries are good, even for humans. I eat a fair few of them myself. And no, madam, I don't mean I eat a fair few humans. I eat berries. To balance up your yin with your yang, though you should always have ice cream with them.
Fair enough, but what are black raspberries? What are the scientists trying to do to us now? Well, black raspberries are what it says on the tin.
They've been grown in the United States and, this week, have been imported into Britainshire. The so-called Mac Blacks are the latest in a long line of superberries: loganberry, whortleberry, halleberry, and so on.
But these berries really are the boys, apparently. Said to be as juicy as a blackberry, but with the texture and sweetness of a raspberry, they eat up free radicals, the romantic sounding sods that damage your cells and give you cancer.
So, Saturday night: whatcha gonna do? Drink Crunk or eat black raspberries? The choice is yours.