I would speak to you now of Carol Vorderman, if the subject does not seem unseemly. Carol, a telly celebrity, is a right bonny lass, and is now 51 of your Earth years.
This is a difficult age for females. Those in my ken keep greetin' aboot their looks going, things sagging, and other calamities.
However, powerful folk like Carol, able to afford the dearer potions at Boots, seem to get more gorgeous every year, thus compounding the misery of ordinary mortals tired and worn out after hard decades of eating chocolate and raising children, usually in that order.
It came as some light relief, therefore, when Carol was seen on telly looking a sight by her standards. The images caused what the Financial Times celebrity pages described as "a Twitter storm". Hmm, sounds important.
To be fair, she didn't look that bad. Her hair was unbrushed and her eyelobes had been subject to lashings of creosote and crayoning. One outraged viewer frothed: "Carol Vorderman looks like she's come straight from a night out." A serious charge, which police are currently investigating.
Television executives hit back violently, saying Carol was only trying out a new hairstyle. But she should do that in the privacy of her own home and prevent any more such disturbing lapses.