See me, I love 3D. At the cinema, I've had an ocular ball. I even tried watching Sky 3D, but was told I'd need a special TV. Oh right, I'll just nip out and buy one.
Part of the fun of 3D is putting on the special specs.
It's the nearest I get to a spacesuit.
I like how it shuts us off from other citizens in the cinema, most of whom are probably dodgy or unpleasant.
Even the chavs shut up and stop texting when wearing the specs. But now there's an obsession with developing 3D that doesn't require glasses.
The evil corporate censors at Apple are leading this mad race.
Already, they've patented gubbins that'll let us see even holographic images - without the lovely specs.
What a tragedy, especially since - with my bewildered eyes and the top half of my face obscured - I look so fetching in the glasses. I wear them everywhere.