Belfast Telegraph

Friday 18 April 2014

Posh will never bag place with the Amish

Beards news, and a trial has begun in Americashire of Amish men and women who snipped the bristles of their fellow weirdies.

It's reasonable to call the Amish weirdies. Too much respect is accorded to religious organisations and, where they dress in a peculiar manner, they should be answerable to normal society.

The Amish were first invented in the film Witness, starring Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis.

At the time, we admired them for opting out of normal society, which is admittedly rubbish.

Philosophically, the Amish present an interesting case. From their appearance, though, it's clear these people are nutters.

True, their trousers are at regular waistband height. However, a beard without a moustache has always signified mental instability.

And having your hair cut with a bowl is just childish.

But it was the women's handbags that disillusioned me with the sect. Who said they should all carry wee handbags?

In the Bibble, you'll find plenty about slaughtering children and cattle.

But there's no mention of handbags, not even in Revelations, the Sun newspaper of its day.

In Ohio, the reasons for the outbreak of beard-snipping are too complicated and trivial to detain us.

But, in any culture, nutty or otherwise, beard-snipping is a heinous crime. One trusts the authorities will be stern.

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