Belfast Telegraph

Friday 18 April 2014

Robert McNeill: So that’s where Osama’s Bin hiding all along!

How disappointing to read that Osama bin Laden is living in a house.

Well, it's disappointing that he's living at all, obviously. But in a house! He was supposed to be domiciled in a cave. We were meant to imagine him chittering in the dripping damp, living on ready meals he couldn't heat up.

The headline I read said he was “living in luxury”, though I think they just meant he'd a roof over his head. His nutty mates are living nearby too, in houses of their own. Far from sqatting in the fetid darkness of caves all day, they're mincing around in their peculiar millinery, without a care in the world (other than a vague interest in blowing it up).

Bin Laden’s house is in north-western Pakistan. It's not even clear if he pays rates on his residence. One imagines him claiming benefits, if they have such things (work with me on this).

“Hello, I'd like to claim benefits please.”

“Fair enough. What kind?”

“Disability.”

“What's wrong with you?”

“Completely off my trolley.”

“Excellent. I like your hat.”

“Yes, I got it off the Marksies website.”

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