I'm ambivalent about this. I like a spectacle as much as the next citizen, but prefer something small and subtle, rather like myself. Madonnie's presentation cries out: "Corrupt! Depraved!"

I don't suppose that bothers her. What did bother her, surprisingly, was a middle-finger gesture by somebody called M.I.A. - wasn't the world easier to understand when we all had normal names? - who appeared with Madonnie at American crockery spectacular, the Super Bowl.

I've never been clear what the middle finger represents. The BBC published a learned online article about the subject, but I'm far too busy to read it. I think we can guess it's something rude, though.

So what Madonna was getting her knickers in a twist about is anybody's guess. She spends most of her time prancing about in her pants. Perhaps she has strong moral views on the fingers, which should be used only for wholesome activities such as rhythmic snapping, helpful pointing, and nose-picking.

You can see Madonna performing all these activities at Dublin's Aviva Stadium on July 24.

Alternatively, you can just have a nice night in.