Belfast Telegraph

Friday 26 December 2014

Come on folks, funny Boris is really trying to be serious

Men only go into politics so they can have affairs and still be asked respectful questions as if they are a moral authority on everybody's lives.

Look at all the ugly buggers who stumble into politics and sleep with women who wouldn't ordinarily look twice at them.

Bloody men, they have no interest in ideology, economics, or improving people's lives. They go into politics to get laid.

Now, I know what you're thinking. That sounds a bit like sexism. It sounds like I'm calling men stupid, shallow sex maniacs, who are only motivated to achieve things for stupid stereotypical reasons.

Don't worry, it wasn't sexist. It was a joke. You see, if you look like me – blue eyes, fluffy blonde hair – you get to decide. If I insult you and you don't think it's funny, well, you're wrong: it is funny. And you've no sense of humour.

Boris Johnson is funny. Look at him, with his puppy face and messy golden hair. When he says women go to university to meet husbands, that's just a joke.

Oh, Boris, we share a burden. As a fellow white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed fluffball who says stupid things, I know your pain. Your comments are never taken seriously – even when all your actions reinforce them.

It's especially hard on Boris, though, because over the years he's tried so hard to be understood as dead serious. He writes some of these 'gaffes' down in carefully worded, well-paid articles, for a start. In 2000, he made a point of arguing that the police were "victims of" the Macpherson report (you know, the document that established the concept of institutional racism in the wake of Stephen Lawrence's murder).

He made a point of condemning Hilsborough survivors and the friends and family of beheaded Liverpudlian Ken Bigley for "wallowing" in their "victim status". And so on. Yet, in spite of his best efforts, poor old Boris is always laughed off as "just joking", when he gives us these snippets of insight into his regressive mindset.

Yes, it's a hard life for a blonde buffoon. Imagine his frustration when, during the mayoral elections, rival Ken Livingstone made a throwaway comment about the way a gay banker might be treated in an oppressive country and got an explosion of media coverage taking him not only seriously, but literally; declaring him homophobic even when his actual policies suggest no such thing. With this newly unearthed video comment, Boris tries harder than ever to be taken seriously. For a start, he cleverly made it to a roomful of people who take gender equality seriously.

And, for good measure, he chose to make his comment an age-old cliche, just to be absolutely certain that no one would be impressed by wit, or pith.

How much more can he do to be recognised as the regressive conservative that he is? Poor old Boris.

Ah, what a burden it is to be a fluffy-haired white man. No matter how hard you try to be offensive, people always assume, somehow, you're probably just funny.

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