Belfast Telegraph

Thursday 23 October 2014

How fur til have a glorious Twelfth when yer nat at it

This time o’ year is a peculiar one fur many folk within the broad Ulster Scots family, fur although they wud like fur til be at the Twelfth, they may nat be able til attend.

Often this is due til wifes makin’ them go on their hallydays at an inconvenient time, so ye cud fine yersel anywhere, even the Free State, an’ nat even able fur til watch the parades oan the |television set.

A hiv therefore turned me mind til providin’ such folk wi’ a handy guide til havin’ the Twelfth whilst in the abroad, so that ye can ensure that yer culture an’ heritage dinnae go adrift jist because yer far frae hame.

The first stage o’ such private celebrations shud be conducted oan the 11th night, wi’ the erection o’ some form o’ mini-bonefire.

This requires some forward plannin’ on yer part, a barbecue shud be arranged an’ a bonefire constructed frae pre-fabricated matchstick pallets an’ the tyres off the wain’s lego motors.

A nice touch is til add a picture o’ somebody ye dinnae like that yiv cut frae the paper in anticipation o’ this moment.

Havin’ lit the thing, drink an enormous quantity o’ Tennents Lager an’ get the wife til fire a cap gun whilst ye shout “Yeeooooooo”.

If ye hiv successfully emulated the 11th night carryon, ye shud hiv a suitably sized hangover when ye wake on the Twelfth mornin’.

Here the instructions become mair complicated.

Ye must first have yerself a wee brandy at a time o’ day normally reserved fur drinkin’ tae. A know this is frowned upon in some places, but so far as A can see it sets yer up for the day ahead nicely. Havin’ done so, make a wee banner oot of paper an' the like.

Argue wi yersel o'er who carries the banner. Win the argument an' make one o’ the wains carry it.

Frae thence go til a park an' hiv a wee march til yersel.

When ye pass folk raise yer umberella an’ say “Bout ye, grawn day fur it”.

If anybody tries til walk across yer path stap them wi' yer umberella an' say “Dinnae walk across the parade, ye boy ye.”

At a prearranged point get the wife (in the guise o' the PSNI) til black yer route in case there might be some o' the o'er surt aboot, lukkin' fur til be offended. Ye shud be prepared fur such a situation, havin’ previously writ a letter o' protest which ye can give til the wife.

This shud explain that ye have been walkin’ this route since 56BC an’ it’s none o’ her business, then divert yersel an' the wains doon a differnt path an' luk fur a field.

Stan’ aroun' in the field fur a while an' make a few loyal resolutions. Ate a half cooked burger afore returnin’ til the car via the same route, an' then drive back til the house. But nat before passin' roun' a bowler hat tae git a tip fur the driver.

Get oot o’ yer car a short distance frae yer destination, an’ hiv a short parade til the house. Then drink beer an' ate a big feed o' spuds. Hivin’ successfully recreated the Twelfth fur yersel, oan the Thirteenth ye can repait the process an' pretend yer at Scarva.

Yi’ll need til add a Sham Fight wi' the wains, an' yer wife disnae have til black the route, fur |there isnae any o' the o'er surt in Scarva. She can make tea in a tent instead.

Satirical character Billy McWilliams is the voice of the spoof Ulster Scots website 1690 an’ all thon

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