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Northern Ireland man discovers 'secret of invisibility'

Saturday, 3 January 2009

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I have discovered the secret of invisibility. It is not total invisibility but it is not a kick on the backside off it.

I have, for a number of months, not realised that it was in fact invisibility; I was simply bemused by the fact that people seemed not to see me, but i never got any further in my thinking until today.

It all became clear as I stood in Belfast city centre. It was as clear as the Albert Clock. Except that I was as invisible as the "Ulster Says No" banner that still hangs along the front of Stormont.

Here is the secret. Follow these instructions to the letter and you too can be invisible to almost everyone.

Put on a fluorescent yellow hi-viz coat as worn by athletes who run or cycle at night.
Put on a fluorescent green sparkly cycling helmet.
Train yourself to the edge of super-hero fitness (mostly this is in your own head).
Get on a state-of-the-art Chris Boardman hybrid bicycle with panniers and lights.
Be alert, not because your country needs lerts, but because your very life depends on it
Ride down the Greenway from Dundonald to Belfast (the old railway line that is now a cycle/walking path).

You will find yourself totally invisible to women pushing buggies or walking with toddlers. They will throw themselves in front of you to grab their children as if you don't exist.

You will find yourself totally invisible to little old ladies with dogs on the end of extending dog leads. They will wobble and feint to right and left as you approach.

They could not possibly see you or they would simply walk in a straight line or keep to one side. You will find yourself totally invisible to little old men with woolly hats and scarves and walking sticks.

This is not an ageist comment - I am one of those men when I am not on my bike. But why would they lift the stick and wave it with warmth and welcome if they could actually see you cycling down that piece of the path.

Many's the time I end up on the grass simply to avoid the warmth of it all. Who are they waving at? Blokes with killer dogs are the worst - you know the guys. They usually look like a pit bull themselves. They occupy the middle ground as if they are Little John on a tree trunk with Robin Hood approaching.

Their dog then occupies both sides of him simply by the deftness and speed of its movement. Clearly Little John cannot see me approaching. Surely he could not be making some kind of statement about his manliness by refusing to share the space with the fluorescently clothed super-hero "bike-man" who wishes at that moment that he had taken the bus.

If you don't believe you are invisible, try this to prove it. When you get to the Holywood Arches change from the cycle path to the main Newtownards Road and cycle along it into the town centre.

You will be amazed. Bus drivers cannot see you. Car drivers cannot see you. Mind you, many of them don't even seem to see each other.

When you get to the Queen's bridge "road of death" where the flyovers sweep cars down onto you like German Stukas coming out of the sun, where the Short Strand connection to the M3 bridge comes at you from the left like the All Blacks back row, where the Queen's Bridge multiplies into five lanes then back into four lanes then back into five lanes then back into a swirling eddy of lost and confused drivers...YOU ARE TOTALLY INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE.

I thought the captain of the Seacat tooted his horn at me the other day from the Lough because I was so bright but could the car behind me see me? Not a chance!

Today, cycling up High Street and into Royal Avenue, a throughway for buses and bicycles (according to the sign) or maybe it is a warning that bicycles are in fact invisible...people walked into me as i sat at traffic lights, they walked in front of me as I cycled towards Castle Court.

Even as I stood in my super-bright clothes locking my bike to a huge lamp post a woman with a buggy ran it into the back of my legs. At least there was an apology. Who on earth would apologise to an invisible man?

I pay my road tax because I also have a car. I commute on bike because it is good for me, good for the earth, good for the whole cosmos, good for the other road users, cheaper, it annoys Jeremy Clarkson (whom I envy greatly), it makes me feel like Michael Palin, and it is as exciting as an Alton Towers roller coaster without the safety harnesses.

But why does it make me invisible? Am I a bad person who deserves to be unseen like the many starving millions who are invisible to us? Sorry that is no comparison at all! Their invisibility is total and unforgivable.

Now a while ago Isaid my invisibility was not total. There are some people with the gift of sight. Telegraph sellers! They see me and wave newspapers at me. Teenagers in hoodies see me and cheer/jeer as the mood takes them.

Other cyclists can see me - they wave or nod in an "all the best for the Queen's Bridge" kind of way. Dogs see me even when their owners can't.

I wonder if the little old ladies ever wonder what it is their West Highland Terriers are barking at. You know when your dog barks at night in your house and you look out your window to see the murderer approaching but there is no one there.

He is there, but he is not a murderer, he is a cyclist who has ridden past in every light-reflective piece of clothing known to man, but can you see him? No. Taxi drivers can see me, but they have a malevolent spirit about them and, anyway, they want to double and triple park as if no one else uses the road.

So they wait until I am close and they squash me against a parked car or throw open their passenger door in front of me. I suspect they are frightened of what I stand for - people who can get themselves to places - so they want to create a jungle out there that forces people to opt for the comfort and apparent safety of a metal box.

Anyway, I am planning a great train robbery or a "dash and grab" raid on a fast food drive through just to check out my invisibility.

But the ultimate proof - to see a hand held speed camera and with my super-powers cycle to just over 30mph, which i can do for about 200m, and see if they can register my existence. If even they can't see me I am going to attach cameras to my person and you may see yourself and your driving skills on YouTube as filmed by the invisible cyclist!
Adrian McCartney

Have you, like Adrian, discovered something that amazes you? Let us know at Belfast Telegraph Online email digital.editorial@belfasttelegraph.co.uk

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23 Comments

Dear Mr Invisible,

Perhaps you could enlighten us into the wisdom of cyclists riding on roads sometimes up to four abreast...not only holding up traffic in the process..but putting their own lives in danger and also the lives of the poor motorists who are forced to overtake these lyric clad,shaven legged,two wheeled,self-righteous morons....

I`am surprised that riding two a breast is even possible..after all would the wings on these angelic self propelled beings not collide?

Posted by Carbolic soap | 29.04.09, 12:42 GMT

Article was well written and put a smile on our faces!!! I live in Perth Australia and it is a law that all bikes have a bell attached. This is a really good idea as at least you get a few minutes warning to move out of the way to make room for the cyclist.

Wishing you all the best with your journeys to work and beyond. Moving back to Belfast in a few months and will keep my eyes peeled incase you are still invisible.

Posted by Bridie & Gerry | 10.01.09, 02:00 GMT

I seem to be invisible to the many cyclists who believe that the footpath has been mis-named and is actually a place for wheeled vehicles not mere pedestrians like myself.

At least once a week in Botanic where I work, I am forced to dodge out of the way of an unreasonable cyclist without any lights on thier bike who is using the pavement not the road, and indeed on several occasions as a result I have found myself walking on the road myself. How about some enforcement of the law and make cyclists ride on the road.

I used to be a cyclist until unfortunatley I was hit by a car , but for me the choice was to cycle or not - and certainly not to use the footpath for my own journey at the expense of others.

Posted by Drew | 09.01.09, 13:32 GMT

Adrian - Fit a bell to your bike, best accessory I ever bought for my commuting bike.

Dinging your bell when approaching pedsestrians from behind on a shared/cycle path is much better than trying to squeeze past them, unannounced as it were, or having to vocalise a warning of your presence. I find a lot of people even seem to like it when they hear the bell ring; they appreciate the warning and make way for you. The bell is handy on the road too. A surprising number of pedestrians ignore the green cross code and step onto the road based on what they hear (they're generally listening out for internal combustion engines) rather than looking both ways to see if the road's clear. When you see someone about to do this you can give a couple of dings on the bell, they look round to see you approaching and decide not to step into your path after all, averting a crash and everyone's a winner. Watch out for the iPeds though (those wearing iPods).

Posted by Rick | 09.01.09, 11:34 GMT

Adrian, I too, am one of those very same invisible people. The only problem was that, when i approached the 'road of death' there was a flaw in my invisibility where i became visible for the world to see for some strange reason? and i was cleaned off my bike by a big metal box thing onto the road of death, but the road of death did not prevail as i escaped with a broken arm.
Having said that, your comments still made me laugh and i thank you for that.
I am still deciding if i should get back in the saddle to face my nemisis once again...

Posted by robert | 09.01.09, 10:31 GMT

What a complete load of rubbish!!

Posted by chris | 09.01.09, 09:31 GMT

I don't need to wear bright, flourescent clothing or be on a Chris Boardman bike to be invisible. The only thing I need to do is go to a public bar and try and purchase a round of drinks, or stand in a queue at MacDonalds and try and purchase a meal.
It galls me that people will, quite knowingly, push in front of others waiting in line in a shop/bar. The assistants will serve pretty girls, their friends or the tough nut before ever getting round to serving the more meek customers.
So Adrian, I know where you are coming from, and I agree that your plight is more dangerous than mine, but I think this is a symptom of the times we live in where everyone else is more important and their heads are so far up their backsides that they just don't give a damm about anyone or anyhting other than themselves.
Keep on biking (safely).

Billy

Posted by Billy | 08.01.09, 22:11 GMT

Like all things, there are good and bad. As a cyclist, motorist and pedestrian (not all at the same time of course) I see bad manners from all sides. It is annoying while cycling, to be ignored especially when paying heed to the Highway code which applies to cyclists as much as motorists. It's annoying to be forced aside by cyclists on the pavement. It's annoying to see cyclists drive through red lights and treat the roads as they see fit. Everyone has a complaint about the other so nobody can claim the moral high ground here.

Posted by A Menzies | 07.01.09, 15:43 GMT

As cyclists are invisible to many other road users, so are traffic lights and many other conventions of the highway code invisible to cyclists. As a driver going to work in the morning, it is heart warming to stop at a major crossroad, controlled by traffic lights, to see cyclists ride through the red light on a daily basis because the "green man" is allowing pedestrians to cross the road.

Posted by Neil | 06.01.09, 20:19 GMT

A well written and witty article. However, be not deceived by these glib comments dear readers! Cyclists are not human. They are all escaped demons, fresh from the fiery pits of hell.
You don't believe me? Try walking along any footpath (beside a perfectly serviceable road) and see how they try to get as close to you as possible as they whizz past on their silent killing machines! Try going for a stroll along the coastal path from Holywood to Bangor (which is for pedestrians only, but the devilspawn hell riders can't read).
No, the true secret to invisibility is simple. Unfortunately it comes at a high price. You must first lose most, if not all your eyesight. Then the good folks at the RNIB will issue you with a magic wand (sometimes referred to as a "white cane" by those who know no better). This, although coated in reflective material, will render you totally invisible to pedestrians and aforementioned hell riders alike.

Posted by Centaur | 06.01.09, 15:37 GMT

I thought this story was about Gerry Adams. Just where has he disappeared to?

Posted by mickey | 06.01.09, 09:42 GMT

wish all cyclists would disappear

Posted by karen | 05.01.09, 18:37 GMT

Thank you Adrian - I thought I was alone AND invisible - your letter really made my day!

Posted by Adrian McLaughlin | 05.01.09, 15:56 GMT

I see it must be the same everywhere. Cyclists are usually the biggest hazards to pedestrians, not cars. As a long distance runner living in West London the only choice I have to run in a (relatively) safe and car fume free environment is the Thames towpath. Regularly I encounter cyclists who refuse to dismount when going through chicanes designed to make them get off in favour of pedestrians, cyclists travelling side-by-side (sometimes in threes) who push you off the path, and those families out in hi-vis gear that seem hell bent on pushing everyone out of their way just because they have children and this surely means they have priority over you. Cyclists are always worse than dog walkers. In additon in central London I don't know how many times I've crossed at a pedestrian crossing when the green man shows only to have a cyclist attempt to rip off my arm by simply ignoring lights and ploughing on through like they don't apply to them.

Posted by Conal Stewart | 05.01.09, 14:34 GMT

Good article, however when walking the Lagan towpath for example - Shaw's Bridge to Lambeg it's amazing how many pedestrians are invisible to the majority of cyclists who either speed past at a close distance (sometimes brushing your clothes) with no warning, sometimes giving you queer look or a load of verbals when protest is given. From memory signs read something like 'cyclists - give pesdestrians the right of way'? Yes, I always wonder why bikes have not got bells fitted or if the cyclist cannot or does not know how to use them. In my day it was an offence if you had no bell fitted to your bike.
I don't want to even go there when cycling enthusiasts or clubs are out taking up the road with a string of cars following - Yes single file is helpful at times.

Posted by Grumpy Bryan | 05.01.09, 13:27 GMT

This is the funniest, loveliest article I have read in a long time. Well done Adrian. More please. We need more of this wonderful humour. Made my day.
Best wishes,
Paddy

Posted by Paddy | 03.01.09, 22:23 GMT

How wonderful! As a middle-aged woman, I thought it was only me and my peers who are invisible...

Posted by Missing Dunmurry | 03.01.09, 21:23 GMT

...and when the invisible lorry ran me over, the invisible police arrived and asked what happened. Lying semi-conscious on the ground confirmed that they also couldn't see me. "Did you not see my indicators?" shouted the driver of the invisible lorry. Tricky question that. Then I was taken away on the invisible ambulance to the hospital where I discovered cyclists truly are invisible. I lay strapped to a spinal board for 3 hours until one of the doctors found a pair of sunglasses and was eventually able to see me. Phew!

Posted by Stabiliser Stan | 03.01.09, 20:08 GMT

I'm very sorry to hear that Adrian has been having such trouble navigating the Greenway - how dare those awful, inconsiderate pedestrians insist on using a public right of way when there are important folk around who want to pretend they're in the Tour De France! I regularly walk along the Regent's Canal towpath in London and in recent years the journey has become a living hell thanks to morons who think that just because they've got all the fluorescent vests, lights and helmets going, it's somehow safe and reasonable for them to charge around at high speed on a narrow pathway on which pedestrians have right of way.

Posted by Joe | 03.01.09, 18:33 GMT