Belfast Telegraph

Sunday 21 September 2014

Run out of Ikeas for Christmas?

Lindy McDowell, Belfast Telegraph

News story of the week - the arrival of Swedish furniture Ikea. This major event unfortunately overshadowed news of the opening of a lesser-known furniture chain - Public-EyeKa.

Today however, we can bring you an exclusive peek into that firm's latest catalogue.

The Gord: Comes in Brown only. A solid, prudent choice for the homeowner who prefers an understated style. This sturdy sideboard is made of Scottish pine. Does not sit very well with our European range. May collapse under pressure.

The Inland Revenue CD stacker: Don't you just hate it when your discs go missing? Never be caught out again thanks to our stylish storage solutions which comes in a number of design options including the child benefit and the Northern Ireland DVA.

The Stormont Executive Desk: Comes in two designs, the Martin (standard size) and the Ian (for the big man.) A double sized desk where you and your partner can chuckle your way through the day's business.

The Amy Wine House: A neat wine rack with an unusual beehive design that will easily accommodate several bottles.

The Home Secretary: Create your own Home Office with our Jacqui range. The Ms Smith bookcase features a revealing front. A statement piece that is more style than substance. Warning - this item is currently not approved by the police.

The Darling Coffee Table: Latest in our Chancellor range. A lightweight design which is not intended for long-term use. Comes with matching cabinet. (Please note that too much pressure on the Darling may actually bring down the cabinet.)

The Great Outdoors: Our new range of garden furniture includes the following options:

The Maze Home Stadium: Guaranteed to get the neighbours talking. Our top value Poots design comes with integrated Reconciliation Centre hot tub.

The Donald Back Garden Golf Course: Trump those Scottish neighbours with this exciting new facility in your own back yard.

And finally this season's best selling executive option ...

The Canoe Jacuzzi: Stay dry and get away from it all with our top-of-the-range Panama design. Guaranteed to help you enjoy the good life for at least five years.



A doggone shame

The World Pie Eating Contest was thrown into chaos this week when Charlie, a pet dog owned by one of the organisers, scoffed the pies before the final even got going. After an emergency baking session the competition was eventually won by a bloke from Wigan.

However, I fear a miscarriage of justice. Charlie is a very, very small dog. The man who won the contest is quite a big guy. And pound for pound Charlie very obviously put away a whole lot more pro rata than this large human contestant.

Charlie is the undoubted champ. In pie-eating terms he could have that other guy for breakfast.



Is Becks just a Sili-con wally?

Last week there was speculation that Victoria Beckham has had her breast implants removed in order to squeeze into tight-fitting stage outfits for the Spice Girls reunion tour.

This week's speculation has centred on a photograph of her husband David 'Goldenballs' Beckham reclining in his briefs for a designer underwear fashion shoot.

Put it like this, whatever he'd used to, er, enhance his look, he didn't get it from Ikea. It certainly wasn't a flat-pack.

But it does give rise to the thought ...

The Beckhams - are they into recycling?



Duke is due an apology, Mohammed

I'm not a big fan of the Royal Family in general - nor of the Duke of Edinburgh in particular. But even I always thought it a stretch of imagination that he'd taken out a contract on the late Princess Diana, as Mohammed Fayed appears to believe.

This week during the Diana inquest we got a glimpse into the relationship between the ageing Duke and the young woman who was his daughter-in-law and the mother of his grandsons.

Snippets of letters sent between the pair are touching and affectionate. Loving, even. 'Dearest Pa' she called him.

They may not actually say a lot but in a few fond words they totally debunk the notion that the Duke was a monster who wished serious physical harm upon the princess.

If he wasn't a member of the Royal Family might there not be more public outrage that this elderly man has had to defend his reputation against lunatic rumours - by revealing such highly personal correspondence?

And when this long-running inquest is finally finished, will Philip get what's he's owed?

An apology.



Not dead yet

The best-selling author Terry Pratchett issued a statement to fans this week with a jokey PS pointing out: "I'm not dead."

Pratchett has explained that actually he's showing symptoms of a rare form of Alzheimer's. Not normally a laughing matter. But Pratchett's ability to retain a sense of humour in the face of this new challenge should stand him in good stead.

He says he believes it's important to remain 'cheerful'.

To fans and friends he adds: "I know it's a very human thing to say, 'Is there anything I can do?' But in this case I would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry."



Lions licked

The England football team were humiliated in the Euro qualifiers. Then they got turned down by Jose Mourhino. They've finally acquired a new manager - but one who can't even speak English.

Maybe it's time to dump those three lions on the shirt.

Given the licking they've had of late - and the nationality of their new boss - it might be more apt if the shirt was to feature, well, just one cornetto.

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