Belfast Telegraph

Thursday 2 October 2014

Survival of the low tech man

I hope there will always be a place for the low-tech man in our increasingly high-tech world. We cannot leave civilisation to 'experts' who often appear to live in a world where common sense is not a welcome visitor. For example, we have a Chancellor of the Exchequer who has not quite grasped the basic principles of mathematics.

I hope there will always be a place for the low-tech man in our increasingly high-tech world. We cannot leave civilisation to 'experts' who often appear to live in a world where common sense is not a welcome visitor. For example, we have a Chancellor of the Exchequer who has not quite grasped the basic principles of mathematics.

As a wise man once observed, an ounce of common sense is worth a ton of certificates. As one of the least 'expert' folk you'll ever meet, even I would have spotted the danger of accepting secret gifts from someone under assumed names. But it is comforting to know that being arrogant, stupid and having the morals of a spiv, is no bar to political advancement.

It also proves that there is hope for the inexpert and low tech individual in this crazy world we call showbiz. While I will freely confess that I mainly think of my computer as a typewriter with its own post office, I have been gratified to discover that I am not the stupidest person ever to telephone tech support.

My friend Carol assures me that there exists a class of folk even more clueless than I. Like the lady customer who called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer.

Tech support - "Are you running it under Windows."

Customer - "No, my desk is next to the door but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

It gets worse.

Tech support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech support: "'P' ... on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"



DIETER'S DILEMMA



"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place."

(Courtesy of S Mackay)



FROZEN COWS



A farmer went out to his field one morning, after a bitterly cold night, and found all of his cows frozen solid. With his livestock gone, he faced financial ruin. As he sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with the possibility of losing his farm, an elderly lady walking by and stopped to ask: "What's the matter?"

The farmer gestured towards the frozen cows and explained his predicament. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was so delighted he offered the old lady whatever she wanted in payment. But she declined the offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?"

"No," said the farmer, "Who?"

"That was Thora Hird."

(Courtesy of Ann Hayes)



SAD BUT TRUISM



Brain cells come and brain cells go but fat cells live forever."



IGNORANCE WITH ATTITUDE



One more phone call to tech support.

Tech support: "Good day. How may I help you?"

Male customer: "Hello ... I can't print."

Tech support: "Would you click on 'start' for me and ...

Male customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates."

(Courtesy of Carol Boyd)

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