Belfast Telegraph

Wednesday 17 September 2014

Billy on the Box: It's Euro trash

I don't know why I'm surprised but once again the Champions' League never fails in its efforts to bore us all rigid.

Fair play to ITV and Sky for doing their best to convince us that both games this week were fabulous but we all know they weren't.

The clues are there as this easy glossary of terms and their meanings shows.

Something special: Means these two teams played a good game against each other years ago. Brace yourself for disappointment.

A classic: Similar to above but with a British team winning. And also a very tasty biscuit.

What we've all been waiting for: Can be used by either Sky or ITV for the game they are showing, but not, under pain of death, the one they aren't.

Intriguing: Dull as dishwater with no chances. A game of chess - with balls.

Finely balanced: Richard Keys/Steve Rider desperately scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Absolutely fascinating: The game we have next week.

At least on RTE we can depend on their collection of grumpy old men to have a right go because they don't have to incur the wrath of Fergie or Rafa in post-match interviews.

Eamon Dunphy, biggest grouch since Oscar was climbing into his bin in Sesame Street, is the king of this as was shown during the thrill-a-minute clash between Barcelona and Manchester United.

"This fellow Ronaldo is a cod; he's a disgrace to the game."

It's okay. Johnny Giles was there to sink another boot into the 38-goal flash in the pan.

"I thought his performance against Arsenal last week was disgraceful. He wasn't far off that tonight. I'd love to be praising Ronaldo but I'm not going to."

Blimey he only missed a penalty, can you imagine what they think of Ji-Sung Park?

Far be it from me to stereotype the people of a fine country like Korea but given their contribution to canine cuisine it's just a crying shame that he wasn't called Bark and we would all be put out of our misery.

And talking of being hounded out, would someone just take Tom Hicks to one side and tell him if you are going to try and sing 'You'll Never Walk Alone' to learn at least three of the words. A star spangled spanner of the highest order.

But the most bizarre and tenuous link to the Champions' League came courtesy of Frank Mitchell's weather-watching camera.

"A 30-yard kick from Stevie to Torres would be one of these," he teased us.

My front was getting warmer by the second as I grappled with the answer. Ah yes, Jerretspass!

Of course, what I fool I am!

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