Belfast Telegraph

Beware of Borg and David Coultard's salami

By Billy Weir

I always had David Coulthard picked out as more of a Red Dwarf fan than Star Trek due to his uncanny resemblance to Kryten but Sunday's Italian Grand Prix proved me wrong.

As we focused in on the crucial battle for eighth place and someone, I think it was Kimi Raikkonen, trying to hold off Lewis Hamilton, hence why the BBC was interested, DC interjected at warp speed.

"He probably knows that resistance is futile, as I think they say in Star Trek or something," he said, but at least with his Scottish accent he didn't blurt out 'he cannae hold him captain.'

To those not of a Trekkie persuasion, resistance is futile is the mantra of the Borg, a scary alien folk and not a headband-wearing hairy Swedish man in unfeasibly tight shorts.

The full quote is: "We are the Borg. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile," although this could well come from Bernie Ecclestone's Big Boy's Book of F1 Team Orders.

Another tussle had Mark Webber, as commentator Ben Edwards said, in a 'Ferrari sandwich' between Fernando Alonso and Felipe Massa, but DC not being PC suggested that 'there's normally a bit of salami in a Ferrari sandwich.'

But as Sebastian Vettel and the next generation continue to control the universe, the highlight of Sunday was DC meeting up with old sparring partner, Mika Hakkinen, to drive some classic racing cars.

It was a welcome antidote to the clinical nature of today's F1, shown afterwards as Alonso hardly broke breath to the German and then Webber came in and they hugged like long-lost chums sharing a sandwich, salami and vegemite probably.

"I think there's a calming in the relationship," said DC, and we didn't believe him but there was more madness to come as he mused with Red Bull team boss Christian Horner on just how fast his pit crew were.

"As far as I'm aware they've only got two arms, or have you employed some octopuses there so they can hold the other driver's tyres?" he asked.

Maybe they're just out of this world, but imagine how many salami sandwiches they could make.

Belfast Telegraph

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