Belfast Telegraph

Thursday 17 April 2014

Billy on the Box: Chiles goes a way over the top on a non-foreign field

Never mind 'Movember', Spanish coach Vicente Del Bosque leaves them all in the shade

After all the hoohah of those pesky foreigners at Fifa trying to tell England what they could or couldn’t put on a shirt, justice was done as the Three Lions roared and became World Champions by beating Spain.

There was a precedent when Fifa complained years ago that Geoff Thomas appeared to be wearing an England shirt when clearly he shouldn’t have, but we’ve moved on from those days of mediocrity and Fabio’s boy are ready to invade Poland in style.

Although they’ll need to go with a little more confidence than Captain Adrian Chiles, supported by Corporal Gareth Southgate and Private Jamie Carragher, showed on Saturday.

“Politically, it’s a no-lose for Fabio, isn’t it? Get trounced 4-0, it’s the world’s best and a valuable lesson for our boys,” said Chiles.

Gareth’s gast couldn’t have been more flabbered had Chiles reached him a pointy thing and told him to go over the top, but spluttering for an answer the best he could manage was ‘well, I don’t think that would be a very good result for us.’

Suddenly the alleged £40k per second Alan Hansen earns seems like a snip, while Chiles’ annoying habit of saying everything twice continues, bringing back memories — and not fond ones — of Jive Bunny.

Balance in the panel was provided by Spanish Comandante Roberto Martinez who risked an inquisition by wearing a poppy but he also was clearly wearing an ‘I love the Armada’ T-shirt.

So boring was the first-half that Chiles had to resort to insults, with a pop at Spanish coach Vicente Del Bosque.

“He doesn’t look like a football manager, he looks like a tobacconist with his big bushy moustache,” said Chiles, who looks like a breakfast TV presenter doing Des Lynam’s job. Wonder what he’s doing now? Probably a tobacconist.

Incredibly, Frank Lampard |(pictured) scored and they won. I say ‘they’, of course, I mean ‘we’ as Clive Tyldesley decided that we were all English and having a great time.

“Come on, hands up at home, who thought England would be winning here tonight with 10 minutes to go. Hmm, I don’t see too may hands,” he smarmed. Have a closer look, you’d have seen mine and not indicating two minutes to go either, but that would be a cheap shot and lest we forget at this time we should be remembering the past with dignity.

“England beat Spain. An Armada of Spanish attacks repelled by spirit, concentration and old-fashioned English qualities,” said Clive, by now painted white with a red cross, looking for a dragon to take him to Poland.

Over to Adrian to return us to some normality.

“And if you beat the world champions, that makes you the world champion by our reckoning,” he said, totally losing the run of himself, before Carlos the waiter from Duty Free was ritualistically sacrificed in the centre circle.

Still, at least Chiles had the good grace to admit that Spain were the better team.

“The great Jose Mourinho said you can win the game without having the ball and essentially that’s what England did,” he pointed out.

This is Jose who has now popped up doing ads for an electric razor. Brains and Braun, the Special One really has it all.

Vicente, I’d get back to the fags and stay out of his way if you’re nipping out to the tobacconists in Madrid.

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