Belfast Telegraph

Tuesday 16 September 2014

Billy on the Box: It’s hairy stuff as Andy Murray gets on his bike

Over the years I have developed a worrying habit of having rows with the TV when no-one else can hear you and then asking questions that cannot and should not be answered.

This strange phenomenon is akin to an expletive-driven version of Pavlov’s Syndrome, and all I need to hear is one Barker and I’m away.

I had a very severe dose on Monday afternoon when BBC2 showed the tennis from the O2, albeit briefly, on a set that resembled the crime scene from some particularly brutal treatment of a Smurf.

It became particularly bad as Sue, joined by Andrew Castle and Tim Henman, talked up Andy Murray’s chances of glory against David Ferrer who, quite frankly, was just there to make up the numbers. Apparently.

It wasn’t helped either by Jonathan Overend posing the following question.

“Now a scenario, that you get a time machine at Christmas that can take you to an era where Nadal, Federer and Djokovic don’t exist, so you’re the number one, you’re a major champion but you’re not as good a player because you’re not being tested week-in, week-out. Now, do you take that trip or do you stay where you are now?”

Unlike Murray, I wasn’t speechless, and can I apologise to any blushing dockers who may have heard my outburst.

There was more to come as Sue, who was still trapped in the smurf’s coffin, was stopped in her tracks by two Hairy Bikers. The mind boggles.

Blue was about to be replaced by red as this was the button we had to press if we wanted to see two Geordies preparing stuff no-one wants to eat, a bit like a pubescent Ant and Dec.

Look, if you don’t want to cover sport properly and in full, let us use our licence fees to pay for Sky subscriptions and get value for money, not half a programme and a recipe for mutton dressed as lamb.

Back on the red button, Andy was serving up very little, but it turned out our little lamb was injured, and as Castle pointed out there ‘are a bunch of crocks in this group.’

Chuck them in a time machine and get them over to I’m A Celebrity, and could you drop off a Scottish fella on the way as his goose is well and truly cooked.

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