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Billy on the box: Ruud awakening on Sunday as Movember takes over telly

By Billy Weir

Published 12/11/2015

Movember man: TV pundit Kris Kamara
Movember man: TV pundit Kris Kamara

A doppelganger is, according to the wonders of the web, a look-alike or double of a living person, sometimes portrayed as a paranormal phenomenon, and in some traditions as a harbinger of bad luck.

There are many known examples of this -­ Daniel O'Donnell and Jeffrey Donaldson, Jackie Fullerton and Mrs Brown, Proclaimer A and Proclaimer 2, myself and Brad Pitt (or is that Arm?), the list is long.

But it's not often we get to see them face to face, or sofa to sofa, as was the case on Sky's Goals on Sunday, so often the natural recovery position for many of those unfortunate souls afflicted by the ills of the previous night's devil's buttermilk who find a place of comfort and soothing footballness to ease their woes.

However when two Chris Kamaras turn up, that all goes out the window and the bacon butty goes bouncing across the living room floor.

Ben Shephard spilled the beans as to who was there: "One of football's all-time greats, a former World Player of the Year, with 18 major honours, including back to back European Cups and the European Championships, he doesn't half love a bit of sexy football."

It turns out he wasn't talking about Kamara, but Ruud Gullit, and what better start to Movember than two of the men who have done all in their power to ensure it wasn't always the beautiful game.

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Gullit had more hair-raising revelations to come, when asked did he ever look back on his glittering career.

"No, the moment I cut my hair in 2000 it was like closing a book," he said. "It's like 'okay, I've read the book, it was fantastic' and then you go and do other things as off-camera Kammy was heard to mutter 'what's a book?'

"But you were a sex bomb at the time and the reason you were a sex bomb was because of the tache," argued Kamara.

"Your tache is better, I had a bad tache," replied Gullit and all of us who had over-indulged the night before pushed the bacon butty back across the living room floor.

Chelsea's woes were a topic Gullit knows all too well and no doubt John Terry, sitting at home in his John Terry pyjamas wrapped inside his John Terry duvet, sat up and took notice when the Blues were likened to Tiger Woods - the stuff of dreams.

"Everybody who was starting with Tiger Woods already had lost but now people see we can beat them (Chelsea). They have lost that aura of invincibility," he said. Perhaps they should all grow taches?

Ruud's own invincibility was diminishing somewhat as in the middle of a lengthy rant about tactics suddenly the sounds of a whistling snore filled the air as the show's other guest, Vinnie Jones, announced his arrival, joined by his former Wimbledon boss, Dave 'Arry' Bassett.

This led us to a trip down memory and Plough Lane as Gullit recounted some previous encounters and Vinnie's motivational talks to his team-mates in the tunnel.

"Let's kill the b******s. Let's do this," he chortled.

"Ohhhh," oohed Kammy.

"Ruud, Ruud, Ruud," bleated Shephard, rudely interrupting Ruud's rudeness. "Hold on, first of all, we have to apologise for the inappropriate word."

"You can't say that?" enquired Ruud. "I am sorry, but that's what they said," he added, the instantly recognisable argument used by eight-year-olds from the deep mists of time or when Kammy's tache was fashionable, whichever is longer.

It was the end of Gullit, and it isn't often that Vinnie Jones is seen as a more suitable and safer replacement and for the second half of the show there were great tales of Wimbledon we haven't heard the likes of since Tomsk and Orinoco were making good use of the everyday things that we left behind.

So was Jones, who had filled airport-bound Gullit's bag with everything he could lay his hands on, but apart from this was surprisingly well behaved, until talk came to his proposed move from Wimbledon to boyhood heroes Watford, then under the chairmanship of Elton John.

"He fancied 'Arry," chortled Vinnie, and suddenly the taxi for Gullit was cancelled.

"You can't say that, Vinnie, are you trying to get us off the air this week? First Ruud, now him, don't you say anything," he warned a smirking 'Arry.

"It was mutual," he retorted and all was well with the world again.

Apart from a Mr Gullit, who Shephard told us had texted the studio.

"He says the taxi driver is sending us a bill for apples, pears and ketchup," he said.

"There is a bit of ketchup in the old passport," admitted Jones, bang to rights, and about to be marched down the apples and pears, while a desperate search was launched for people willing to give Kammy the kiss of life on the sofa.

Not even Elton or John Terry would go that far.

Belfast Telegraph

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