Belfast Telegraph

Great Scot, it's back to the future

By Billy Weir

I have received a letter from a Mr J. Inverdale Esq from Twickenham who has accused me of being anti-English and anti-BBC in the article above. Please accept my humblest of apologies.

Anyhow, onto Sunday, and big English loser John Inverdale was under the blue skies of Dublin as part three (or two if you discount Wales v Italy) of the Six Nations took place at the Aviva Stadium, joined by Keith Wood and Andy Nicol from the respective green and blue corners.

Nicol had been in Paris with Inverdale, but for Wood it was a first appearance, as it was revealed that he had watched the other games on his couch and I had an image of Keith with a revolutionary sofa with built-in plasma screen and speakers cunningly hidden below antimacassars.

No time to dwell on that or indeed what antimacassars are, there was a big match to look forward to.

"Let's go back in time to 1984 and it could mean all sorts of things. It could mean George Orwell, or the Miners Strike or Frankie Goes to Hollywood, or it could be one of those rarest of beasts – a Scottish Grand Slam," began Inverdale, and let's be honest, there's more likelihood of the other three making a comeback than another Scottish Grand Slam.

But if you thought he'd annoyed the Scots then that was nothing to half-time when the game was so boring Inverdale was forced to tell us what other sport was coming up on the BBC, with mention of the tennis in America.

"If Andy Murray wins, England win a group match in the Davis Cup for the first time since 1986," he said as proud tennis-loving Celts from all corners of GB and Northern Ireland spat out their Barley Water in disgust.

He carried on regardless, poking Nicol by pointing out that Scotland (or is it England or GB?) 'haven't won here since 1998' leading to a curious look and a response of 'they won here four years ago.' This was followed by a slight pause and 'oh, that was at Croke Park, I like what you did there' but revenge was sweet and was to come after the inevitable Irish (not GB or England) win.

"Thanks to a Mr. A. Nicol from Dundee and one or two others who noticed that I'd said the USA were playing England in the Davis Cup. I apologise," said a crest-fallen Inverdale as the Jules Rimet Trophy was being put back in its rightful place in Scone Castle.

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