He may be retired but champion jockey AP McCoy isn't shy
I do many unpleasant things for my devoted reader, but even I'm beginning to wonder the error of my ways as I sit here in surgery with medical experts frantically trying to bring me round from my self-inflicted televisual lobotomy.
It came about after I was exposed to the potentially life-altering effects of Soccer AM, Play to the Whistle, A Question of Sport and A League of Their Own at the weekend, but with your prayers, some mild sedatives and strong alcohol, I think we can get through this.
Those pesky twins, AP and Tony McCoy, were to blame, the latter turning up on Soccer AM on Saturday morning, having jetted in from Barbados. Hmm, Moneyglass or Barbados?
It's a close call, but the Lilt is better in Barbados.
This is one of the things that McCoy, who apparently retired from riding horses recently, can now imbibe and can also consume whatever he wants.
Indeed, he was weighed and shown to have piled on weight to such an extent that if he kept up his current levels he could be 26 stone in a year.
If a Shire horse is entered in next year's Grand National, we can expect him to come out of retirement.
There was no rest for him as that evening he was on Play to the Whistle, which, as presenter Wobbly Hillbilly, sorry, Holly Willoughby explained, was the "sports quiz where it doesn't matter if you don't know your back wheel from your high heel".
To be honest, 'bottom' and 'elbow' sprang to mind as the high jinks ensued, AP or Tony forced to don a ridiculous costume and run around a course on a horse, so basically what he has done for the past 25 years. Horse for courses, eh…
Then again he never had to clear Jimmy Bullard sitting in a mankini at Cheltenham to narrowly edge out Bradley Walsh in a chase for the line but enough of making sports stars performing stooges please.
A League of Their Own didn't stoop to that level the previous evening, when series 9 - how did this happen? There were only two World Wars before the misery was stopped - when Ian Poulter had to dress up in a big football before falling into a pool with hilarious consequences.
Yes, it allowed for one of several thousand jokes about the golfing clothes horse's dress sense but it's hardly the worst material we deal with on A League of Their Own.
Highlights included Andrew Flintoff in a babygro, much unnecessary swearing, eating a spoonful of cinnamon and then hitting golf balls at defenceless people on a spinning wheel. Don't try this at home, kids.
Not even having Sharron Davies and Denise Lewis on could make A Question of Sport any better, and to be honest I was reaching for the cinnamon and golf balls by this stage, but let's be honest, once I'm back out of the ward I won't have to watch them again.
Well, not until AP is on A Question of Sport and Tony is on a League of Their Own.
The good, the bad and the ugly
THE GOOD: Hats off, or rather helmets, to Stephen Watson-Live and his merry band of leather-clad men who brought us some simply stunning action from the North West 200 over the weekend. The highlights shows were brilliant and the live action on the internet was superb but come on, put it on the telly on Saturday afternoon.
THE BAD: Russian leader Vladimir Putin’s talents know no bounds as he showed his ice hockey skills with an eight-goal haul in an 18-6 win in an exhibition match at the weekend. And talking of beasts from the east, new DUP MP Gavin Robinson is to follow suit by joining the Belfast Giants although they will be forced to change their name to the Belfast Red, White and Blue Socks.
THE UGLY: You’re bound to have seen it by now, if not Google it, but things didn’t end well on BT Sport in the AFL Final between Melbourne Victory and Sydney FC as Australian Football Federation chairman Frank Lowry took a tumble as he was about to hand over the trophy and nose-dived off the stage in The Edge-like fashion. Lucky he wasn’t from the IFA or the whole stage would have fallen down.