My regular reader will know that I am a massive fan of Peter Alliss. The great old granda of golf can do wrong in my book and once again lit up The Open at the weekend.
Oft accused of being a grumpy old man (I think that’s why I like him so much) he was in his element on Friday as the play was less than sparkling.
“I hope you don't think I'm being too hard, but we're continually told how the game's improved and everyone's wonderful,” he said. “But it's a bit wearisome when they don't —I would like to see them hit the greens at least.” Well said that man.
The surreal and the ridiculous quickly arrived, Alliss revealing that he was once the proud holder of the title of ‘heaviest baby in Europe’ at a whopping 14lb 12oz, or ‘a good-sized turkey at Christmas’ as he put it.
Then the blimp that kept us entertained with pictures of clouds all week broke through to show us pictures of a roller-coaster at nearby Blackpool prompting a tale of a former pro who bought his wife a coat made from hamster-skin and ‘couldn’t keep her off the Big Dipper, going round and round’ Who needs Tarby?
Onto Sunday and like a batch of dodgy sprouts beside a good-sized turkey, the wind was playing havoc, but sadly couldn’t drown out the sound of the one annoying eejit who kept shouting ‘in the hole’ every time Tiger Woods lined up a shot.
Possibly even more annoying though was Wayne Grady who broke Captain Kirk’s record for the amount of times the word ‘Scotty’ could be used in an excited fashion.
The Scotty in question was Adam Scott, who was ‘marching towards a first Major title’ according to another Scot in Andrew Cotter.
If that’s marching in the sense of a one-legged kangaroo then I’m with you, but there was a strange word of warning from Ken Brown.
“He’s got past the 15th which is a vindaloo, the 16th is a chicken korma,” he said.
“Yeah, but the 17th is a Madras,” warned Wayne. No sign of Graeme McDal or Phall Mickelson at this point. I’ll get my coat.
But then Sir Nick Faldo burst in with ‘all of a sudden we have a drama,’ although said in the most undramatic way ever as Ernie Els, the only man on Sunday who looked that he had ever picked up a club before, finished with a flourish.
“Ernie Els wins and Adam Scott is going to be scarred for life,” said Faldo, an unusual prize for second but worse was to come for him as he faced the most ridiculous question ever from Frances Donovan, the latest in the Beeb’s long-line of people who ask stupid questions.
“A run of three bogeys, that didn’t help you, did it?” she asked an almost in tears Scotty.
I don’t know if it was the question, throwing the title away or the threat of a tandoori turkey but you know he was praying someone could beam him up.