Overheating nuts and an awful lot of Bull
Published 29/03/2013 | 08:00
Right from the outset I'd like to point out that my eagle-eyed reader will not have failed to notice that for the second week in a row I am going to discuss Formula One.
I know what you're thinking, is my Sky on the blink, but in my defence I had planned to write about Northern Ireland's game with Russia only to find that the IFA hadn't noticed the polar bear dandering up the Lisburn Road with a glacier mint under its oxter.
So it was off to Malaysia for the second Grand Prix of the season and Suzi Perry appeared on the screen dressed as a strict schoolteacher – must remember to rub that one off the bucket list – at the start of BBC's highlights show.
She was discussing chaos theory and the drivers seemed to be listening as right from the off it all went a bit pear-shaped with Fernando Alonso trying to turn a corner and going straight on.
I can empathise, I did the same on Friday night but unlike Fernando it took two days, several shovels and a kindly man in a Landrover to extricate me from what is now known as Billy Weir Bend.
More chaos ensued, Adrian Sutil and Paul Di Resta arriving at the Force India pits at the same time but there was even better to come as Lewis Hamilton re-enacted a classic Only Fools and Horses moment by driving into his former McLaren team's pits.
He drove off before team boss Martin Whitmarsh could come out and say 'you don't live here no more' but he still looked like a complete plonker and all this as his lady friend, Cassandra, sorry, Nicole, looked on aghast. Funnily enough that was what Mark Webber called Sebastien Vettel later on, or it sounded something like that, as F1 became more like WTF1 when the world champion committed the most heinous of all crimes in this sport – indulging in exciting racing and overtaking.
This sort of behaviour did not go down well as the German disobeyed orders, thus denying us all a dated reference to events during the war, but Webber was about as chuffed as Uncle Albert losing one of his medals.
"I was getting my handkerchief out there, I thought it was going to end in tears," commented David Coulthard, before Red Bull team boss Christian Horner vented his fury at Vettel trying by blasting 'this is silly, Seb, come on.'
He must have been quaking in his overalls as he got past and coasted to victory. Cue an inquisition of Spanish proportions as Euro-Australian relations reached their lowest ebb since Max and Maria argued over Scott's hair in Neighbours back in the day.
Afterwards Lee McKenzie got the task of scolding him properly.
"It's not a great feeling right now and surely tonight it's not going to be easy to fall asleep. I owe an explanation to the team," said a sheepish Seb and no-one believed a word of it.
"Is this the most hollow win you've had to celebrate? Are you happy you won?" she pressed. "No," he said, and thankfully he'd taken his helmet off or his nose would have been poking against the visor.
Suzi was having none of it, asking Coulthard was it 'a racer's instinct or stupid?' and the former Red Bull driver's face contorted so much that just for a second he didn't look like Kryten from Red Dwarf.
"You are overheating, your core temperature is over 39," he told her, "every decision you make in life isn't perfect – I'm sure you've made some decisions that you regret," he yelped as we all held up pretend handbags and went 'ooooooooooh'. But perhaps an explanation was to be had, as Force India's problems were discussed with Coulthard revealing that they had 'a problem with overheating nuts'.
There's a lot of it about, David.