Take Zlat and party at Wembley in Shield of highs and lows
Jake Humphrey welcomed us to Wembley on Sunday as the Community (still Charity to almost everyone) Shield kicked off the new football season as Manchester United took on Leicester City.
"The first question is," the BT Sport presenter began and collective minds boggled as to what would follow, the most popular answer out of 100 people asked being 'why is he still presenting the football?' But no, what was asked was: "how hot is it today?"
To his left we had people who somehow make a living out of spouting hot air and filling the atmosphere with moist drivel, in Michael Owen, Robbie Savage and a mirrored sunglasses-wearing Rio Ferdinand, when we really needed Cecilia, Angie and Barra.
Still, if it's an accurate forecast you want, then Savage is the man. He revealed that: "people coming here today say Leicester have a chance of winning" and followed that up with: "both teams will want to win, it's a trophy". So good to see the summer hasn't blunted that razor sharp analytical brain.
Ryan Giggs then popped in for a wee chat, and we were told he was wearing his McDonald's badge. Nice to see that he has quickly got himself fixed up with another job but dear help anyone who asks him to cross over their fries as who knows where they'd end up.
Onto the match and it was more Mac and sighs as Steve McManaman took over the annoying person sitting beside commentator Darren Fletcher role, his insistence on calling him 'Fletch' throughout particularly annoying but the heat may have been taking a toll as he revealed he was glad to be out of the searing sun.
"Luckily I'm not sitting down there, I'd be like a lobster by now," he said. Indeed, especially wearing a white suit, but with the game locked at 1-1, a big man took centre stage as Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored the winner.
That wasn't the end of the drama though as in injury-time substitute Juan Mata was substituted by new United boss Jose Mourinho because he is tiny, causing our perspiring pundits to go into meltdown.
"There is a cold, callous type of vein in his body," revealed Dr Rio, while Owen said he: "doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of the world" - well, get off BT Sport then - and Savage said: "I'd be ripping the changing room apart".
No you wouldn't, those changing rooms are for players who have won things.
So that's the long and short of it, Jose is back doing what he does best and BT Sport, well, they're just back. I forecast periods of TV depression in the months ahead.