Belfast Telegraph

Dire pre-final shenanigans once again up for the 'worst television show ever'

By Declan Bogue

We wouldn't dare take you for someone who spends their Saturday nights slumped semi-comatose on the sofa, eating take-away and staring blankly at the television.

But, if we are kindred spirits, you might have flicked on 'Up For The Match' in the hope that it wasn't going to be quite as tragic as the year before. And the year before that.

Some of you may not have been exposed to the horrors of 'Up For The Match'. They are numerous and bountiful.

For a start, there are the wasted minutes you give over to wondering how anyone allows Des Cahill out the door without their nose exploding in snorting laughter at his dye-job. Des is a man of 61 years of age who expects us to believe he hasn't a single grey hair.

And then you have one of the Seoige sisters – it doesn't really matter as any of them are inter-changeable and quite likely there is just one Seoige woman who possesses a manic devotion to work and refuses to turn it down, therefore necessitating a bizarre double life.

Basically, Miss Seoige is there to smile and say, 'Ah, stop the lights, lads!'

It's like the Rose of Tralee just kept going for another few weeks, although the winner of the Rose of Tralee this year is nine million times more of an authentic person than the usual class of simpering lovely girl selected.

And all that to digest, before we even get near the musical choices of beetroot-faced young'flas with bodhrans and fiddles and 'Up Tipp-isms', just back from a tour of the New York and Boston Shamrockery toilets.

Okay, I accept that I may not be the greatest man on the earth to critique what is essentially light entertainment – but does it really have to be so, well, light?

Ask Des and Grainne to hold a helium balloon between them and you fear that the entire studio may just float off into la-la land.

Does it need to feel as though your brain might reject your body?

What we need is some competition to rival the manure on offer.

It needs to actually look at the game that is to be played, and it could benefit from some actual humour, not just a clip of Pat Short kicking a man up the ass.

Defenders of UFTM will point to the audience share and ratings.

My stance would be that people are interested in the final, and are only watching in the hope that the next item will not be as dire as the one presently shown.

Because this is the Worst. Television. Ever.

Belfast Telegraph

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