Beware of the killer pants as MOTD opener hits rock bottom
Deep in the steamy undergrowth of the Amazon Rainforest, a local man has just emerged from under a bush and uttered the following words: "Has Gary Lineker been on Match of the Day in his pants yet?"
The answer I am delighted to say is 'yes' as not since Sharon Stone did her party piece many moons ago have so many column inches and cyber space yards (I'm not sure of the unit of measurement in cyber space) been devoted to the question, 'pants or no pants?'
An amusing aside that he would present the opening MOTD of the new season in his budgie smugglers if Leicester City won the league became a bit like Goliath's gunks - a long and drawn out affair.
"The new Premier League season starts today, let's hope it doesn't turn out to be complete pants," said the very pleased with himself invisible continuity man on BBCNI before the start and at least as we rolled in the aisles it meant we got to largely ignore the bizarre new opening titles.
What couldn't be ignored was Gary, naked but for a pair of shorts with a Leicester badge on them, welcoming us as in the background Alan Shearer and Ian Wright giggled like two schoolboys who had just drawn something very rude on their homework diary.
"Here we go again, new season, new titles, new managers, new signings, but apart from that nothing much has really changed," began Lineker, adding that his cackling cohorts "have got it all covered".
Things didn't start just as well for his beloved Leicester, the Foxes mauled by the Tigers of Hull, with commentator Guy Mowbray, clearly having heard about Lineker's plans, concluding: "Leicester's start has been, well, pants". We get the joke.
Back in the studio and Lineker, whose family own a fruit and veg stall, perched carefully so that he didn't display any prize produce, tried to be serious while Shearer, a man rightly ignored for his roustabout humour, tried to be funny.
"Well, I didn't think it was that cold in here, did you?" he asked Wright, who, for once, gave us the answer we all wanted: "I didn't want to say anything."
By now even Lineker was getting bored, saying "enough of this nonsense, I'm going to go and get dressed" but before the end, like some Tom Jones tribute act, he tossed a pair of Y-fronts with birthday boy Shearer's picture on them at his chum saying he'd bought him a present and he could wear them when Newcastle won the league.
"You should have put them on," responded Shearer.
"I'm not having your face anywhere near that area thank you very much," came the reply, as both men harrumphed loudly, talked about girls, cars and breaking wind, before having a roll about together in front of an open fire on a fox-skin rug.
If Newcastle ever win the Premier League, I will do that, live on Match of the Day, with Jonathan Pearce.
But the last word on the pants belonged to the man no longer in the pants, bidding us farewell with "that's it, on the day when the champions have had their pants pulled down". I wonder what he will wear when they are relegated?